Wow, so when it rains, it really pours.

This is something I've observed in the past year of job-hunting. I either have several good offers which I have to balance out or decide between, or I've got nothing. Three months ago I couldn't find a job to save my life--even the two I thought were almost certain fell through. So I accepted a role I wouldn't otherwise have taken because it didn't pay much, and just pretty much held out and didn't buy anything until my most recent job started. That one just ended, along with the show I was in, and now I'm costuming a big show, and after that ends I have an offer for a long-term position at a costume shop, plus a couple of roles in an educational Shakespeare outreach program, plus I was asked to do a few days of alterations for another show, and now I've just gotten a call offering me a wardrobe position at Writers Theatre for their entire season.

Can I do all of this? I was pretty sure the costume shop and the outreach program could be compatible, but the Writers job? Not highly likely. ^^; Though I'll know more once I talk to Julane at the shop tomorrow. Thing is, if they can't be both accepted, I'm back to my favorite question: which one is a better one to take? The shop is long-term and probably more flexible in terms of taking on other jobs like the outreach program. Pay and hours... I can't say until tomorrow, since I don't know what the shop is offering. Writers would give me much more exposure in the industry in Chicago, in terms of meeting people and getting links to future work.

So which is smarter? Which should I do?

I think I need to try not to think about it at least until tomorrow, because obviously I can't make any decisions when I don't know what I'm deciding between. It's worth noting, however, that Writers would overlap Titanic by almost a week, and the last thing I want to do is get in another situation like the last time with LZP and Court where I was trying to do way too much at once and ended up getting everyone mad at me. It's possible that since Writers wants me long-term, that if I explain to them that the show I'm working on runs until the twenty-first and my availability wouldn't start until then, they'd be willing to be flexible. More to keep in mind.

Still, it's so nice when people want me. I don't like having to choose between jobs, but it's still flattering, especially when I didn't even come to them, they came to me. LZP I never expected to come to me again; I guess they must have been desperate or something. ^^;; But Julane saw me in Comedy of Errors, happened to mention that she thought I was very good to Bob, one of the other actors, who told her I also did costumes and eventually she figured out I was the same person she'd exchanged a whole bunch of e-mails with a year ago. She dropped the ball back then--or rather, her supervisor did--but now her supervisor is leaving and she's interested again. And Writers, where I applied and interviewed a year ago but lost the job then to Sarah, who was working with me at the Goodman. The woman who just called me said that Rachel at the Goodman gave me "rave reviews," and though I don't know if they mean back a year ago or that they talked to her about me recently, either way that's really surprising and flattering. ^_^ So my ego is feeling pretty good at the moment.

Speaking of which, I still have to call Rachel about renting costumes for Titanic. I'll thank her, when I talk to her. She really is a very nice person.

*whew* The real world is so complicated. ^^; Hard to keep track of everything that's going on. Never done with one thing before another pops up. But I guess that's good, right? Better than six months ago, when I was just sitting around without a job in sight. So we'll see where all of this leads.

I may yet make a career in theatre. ^___^

I'm going to go insane. I'm going to go insane.

Just imagine for a second you're standing in a very, very tiny closet--say just barely large enough for you to fit, standing up. And the walls of this closet are covered in coarse sandpaper. So if you make the slightest wrong move and brush against a wall, you get scraped. Probably not badly. But once you've been standing in this room for hours and days and weeks and months, and half the time when you hit one wall, the automatic recoil is enough to send you into at least one other wall, and sometimes you get tired and you can't help but slump against the walls even though it hurts--once you've been in there for that long, you're hurting pretty badly. I mean, for sandpaper. It's not fatal, but you're gashed all over and bleeding, and it's no fun, and there's still no escape in sight.

That's actually the best metaphor I can come up with on short notice for how I feel these days. There are so many things I can't help but stress over, and it seems like no matter where I try to turn for relief it's just more stress, to the point where right now I feel like I'm about a hairsbreadth from just falling to pieces, and CITA hasn't even started yet.

If there's anything I've learned in the year since my graduation, it's that I'm not suited for this "real life" stuff. I'm really not.

I just had a conversation with a friend of mine that left me rather depressed. Or rather, my thoughts following the conversation got me rather depressed.

See, she lives in Kentucky, and while I used to talk to her over IM daily, she got very busy in the past couple of years and now I only talk to her for a few minutes every few months. She's gone back to school and has solid plans for her future, and I'm very happy for her; her life hasn't been easy and it's to her credit that she's pulled things together so well. I want her to be very happy. And so I was glad to hear that she's got a boyfriend--is, in fact, living with this boyfriend, with whom she's been together for fourteen months. She's crazy about him. They've even discussed marriage, once she's further through school and he's got a permanent job.

Marriage. When did all my friends turn into grown-ups? First Kelly, then Dave, Emily coming up, and now Jamie--and among the ones who aren't heading for the altar quite yet, most of them are in happy long-term relationships, and/or are living on their own, and/or have real long-term jobs, and have found whole lives for themselves as adults.

Why do I feel like I missed some big colossal step somewhere? When was I supposed to have the phase of my growth that would have taught me to like coffee and alcoholic drinks, to prefer sitting in chairs rather than sitting on the arms of them or on counters and tables, to apply makeup so that it doesn't get all smudged and stupid-looking, to talk to people without feeling awkward, to love a man (or a woman, for that matter) and desire him instead of running away every time I come close and assuming any guy who seems interested in me must have something wrong with him, to take full responsibility for myself and to recognize myself as an independent adult rather than one child of my family?

When will my feelings of obligation toward myself outweigh the other feelings of guilt and obligation that weigh so heavily on me? When will I learn to stop living from moment to moment as if the future doesn't matter? When will I find out what sort of person I am? And why has everyone else apparently reached this point so long before me? Why can't I understand? How did I miss all of this? Why do I feel like I'm still a child, while all of my friends have grown up without me? And how, when I feel like I must still be a child, can I also feel like I never was a child to begin with?

I mean, of course I was a child once. But I remember at one time feeling like everyone around me was so immature and so self-absorbed and infantile and petty, and now, years later, I look around and I'm the one that's immature, I'm the one that's self-absorbed and infantile. I wished they'd all just grow up, and they did, and I haven't. I'm the same person I've always been.

Everyone else has their futures laid out before them. They have their husbands picked out, their wives, their jobs, their homes, their dreams and goals. Where is my future? I can't see beyond the next day or two. How can I find a way to make my eyes see further? How do I grow up? Is it really okay to just sit and wait for it to happen? Is it really okay to be this clueless?

I keep telling myself there's time. That there's no need to force myself to date people if I don't want to, for instance; that love will come when it's time. But will it? Will it really? What if it never does? What if I'm just screwed up that way and I never find a relationship I'm comfortable and happy in, and I'm alone for the rest of my life? Is it okay to just sit back and hope that something magically happens to prevent that?

Is it okay to see all these things wrong with myself and decide there's nothing I can do about them but wait for them to fix themselves?

What if they don't?

What kind of life am I heading for?

What am I supposed to be doing?

What do I want? What should I want?

How can I save myself? How can I find myself?