Day Before the Dinner Party

"Forget it," Sally said flatly. "No."

"Oh, be brave, darling," Susan said cheerfully. "You can do it."

"I can't and I won't," Sally said. "I will...well, not."

"Sally, it's only a maternity shirt," Susan said. "You've already given in on that skirt. You need a top, and this is quite an adorable one. See? Just look at it." She held it up to herself with a very big and hopefully persuasive smile.

"There are polka dots," Sally said darkly. "Polka dots. No, Susan. There are some places I refuse to go."

Susan sighed. "This one is lovely," she said, holding up another. "It will really-"

"No."

"This, then?" Susan pointed.

"Really, Susan. Are you even trying anymore?"

"Sally. It's been two hours. Babies do not sleep forever, and you know what happened the last time Steve was in charge."

Sally rolled her eyes.

"Now pick a bloody shirt and let's go," Susan ordered.

Sally stared at the rack, her lip curling. "Mummy tummy," she swore.

"Sally, you have a mummy tummy. It cannot be hidden forever," Susan said. "You will explode from your clothes. Pick!"

Sally sighed. "Fine. This one." She grabbed the first top Susan had showed her, pale green and deeply low cut.

"Wonderful. Beautiful. You'll be lovely in it. Let's go." Susan pushed Sally towards the front of the shop.

"Capers."

"Capers," Steve repeated.

"Capers, arugula, and frisee. I don't know what Sally is making tomorrow night and I don't know what she's making it with," Patrick said.

"It is incomprehensible," Steve said. "But then, it usually is."

"So true. Why do women persist in serving these ridiculous, unpronounceable meals to people? To men? It is far too French," Patrick said. "But Sally didn't like hearing that."

"Hormones," Steve said sagely.

"It's not fair! She doesn't want any mention of her waist or neck, but she still wants to use the hormone excuse," Patrick said.

"There is no winning that one," Steve said. "I tried, believe me."

"I remember," Patrick said. "Oh, damn. What time is it? I've got to phone Sally."

Steve nearly spit his beer. "What?"

"I have to check on with Sally," Patrick said.

"Say that one more time," Steve said.

"Sally. Check on," Patrick said, looking at Steve as if he was daft.

"Oh, my God. You're checking in? You, the great Patrick Maitland, are voluntarily checking in with your wife?" Steve asked. "Is the world ending?"

"No, no," Patrick said. "Not checking in. Checking on. Totally different thing."

"Right," Steve said, nodding. "Sure thing. Whatever you say." A thought suddenly occurred to him. "Oh, damn." He reached for his mobile.

"Whatever have you done to Patrick?" Susan asked when Sally picked up the phone.

"Nothing lately, why?" Sally asked.

"Steve just rang. To check "on" with me," Susan said. "I've never been able to manage getting him to do that before. There was some babble about Patrick, the world ending, and you. I haven't missed anything, then?"

"Oh, no," Sally said. "I just thought it was good practice to train him to stay in touch. I dangle the idea of sex in front of him if he phones in when he goes out."

"Just dangling? Have you still not slept with him, then?" Susan asked.

"Not since my waist popped. How did you bear it?" Sally asked. "It's so....stretchy."

"It?" Susan asked, cautiously.

"Your stomach, of course. It was enormous and grew from there. Mine is not nearly as, but still," Sally said.

"Sally, you are not getting any smaller. Enjoy Patrick while you can," Susan said.

"I will be smaller," Sally said confidently. "In four and a half months. Then we'll see."

"In four and a half months, there will be a tiny little person up at all hours, allowing you no sleep, let alone sex," Susan said. "You're looking at a year. Minimum."

"A year?" Sally asked, disbelieving.

"A year," Susan said. "Lou was three months old before I would let Steve touch me."

"Well, but that's Steve," Sally said. "And not a year."

"He was six months before we had sex," Susan said. "That would be a year from now. Just think of it, Sally."

"A year with no sex," Sally said, horrified. "Oh, Susan."

"That's why you shouldn't wait," Susan said. "Embrace him now, while you still can."

"But my waist has actually overtaken my bottom in the growth race," Sally protested. "And you know how fast my bottom grows. It could win an Olympic medal for girth and growth. A silver now, though. My waist has gone for the gold."

"Sally, Patrick has, once upon a time, gone out and pulled a pregnant woman," Susan said. "On purpose. He may be one of the only men in the world who will find your waist to be a turn on at its current size, and the many sizes it will become before the end of your pregnancy. For the sake of pregnant women everywhere, you really must have sex with your husband."

"I suppose so," Sally said. "Perhaps if I wear a robe."

"That's the spirit," Susan said. "I hear Lou, I'll see you tomorrow night."

"Patrick is an ass," Sally said, holding the door open. "Come on in."

"Hello to you, too, Sally," Steve said.

"Ugh!" Sally stomped away.

"That's my cue," Susan said, following her into the kitchen. "What's happened now, hmm?"

"It's about time," Sally said, crossing her arms.

"I just got here," Susan protested. "I know we're a bit late, but I followed you right in."

"No, I mean Patrick," Sally said, lifting a platter and walking it out to the table. "I came out, showed him my outfit, and he said it was about time. About time to realize I am a whale and he is an ass."

"Oh, Sally, no," Susan said, carrying in side dishes. "I'm sure he didn't mean that."

"Didn't mean what?" Jane asked, walking in ahead of Oliver.

"Patrick is an ass, and we are eating now," Sally said. "Sit."

"Maybe our guests would have liked to have a drink before we ate," Patrick said from the doorway.

"Not without me, they don't," Sally said.

"Oh, did I tell you about this marvelous new drink I tried last night?" Jane said, as the group sat. "It's a Blue Glow-tini!"

"Let me guess," Steve said. "It's blue?"

"And it glows!" Jane said. "It was quite yummy, wasn't it, Oliver?"

"Oh, yes," Oliver said. "It was."

"There was this little cube, see?" Jane said, pulling it out of her purse. "It glows and blinks and is nice and blue. We must all go and try it!"

"Oh, yes, let's make drinking plans in front of the hostess who can't drink your lovely, lovely Blue Glowing Thing," Sally snapped, as she dumped food onto her plate and shoved the platter at Patrick.

"Glow-tini," Jane said. "I'm sure they'll make something glowing for you, too!"

"To match her naturally sunny disposition," Patrick said.

"Oh, shut it," Sally said, glaring. "It's your fault I can't drink."

"Oh, boy," Steve said. "My, doesn't this...food taste good."

"Very," Susan said.

"Yup," Oliver said.

"I think it took two to tango, darling," Patrick said.

"Patrick, don't be silly," Jane said. "You didn't tango to make her pregnant. You had sex!"

"Shut up, Jane," Patrick and Sally snapped together.

"This green stuff is really very tasty, Sally," Steve said.

"I agree," Susan said. "You've outdone yourself."

"Yup," Oliver said.

"I think you and Patrick need to have sex," Jane said, clapping her hands.

"Me?" Oliver looked confused, his fork halfway to his mouth.

"No, Sally should," Jane said. "You seem very stressed right now, Sally. I think it would be a marvelous help, don't you?"

"Of course I am stressed! I am pregnant and fat and haven't had sex in weeks," Sally said tightly. "These are all naturally stressful things."

"But you look lovely," Susan said.

"Yup," Steve and Oliver said together.

"Of course she does," Patrick said. "Look at her, she's glowing."

There was a silence as everyone digested that.

"What did you say?" Sally asked, turning to look at him.

"You look beautiful," Patrick told her. "In fact, if I was out pulling, I'd choose you, right at the start of the night. To top it off, you're having my baby. It's amazing and wonderful and you won't sleep with me and you don't seem like you want to have this baby at all."

"Of course I want this baby!" Sally said, hurt. "I just wish it would do its growing elsewhere and leave my waist alone. Then we could have a baby and the sex and it would be perfect."

"Sally. You are a beautiful, beautiful woman, with and without the baby expanding you," Patrick said. "I love you madly. For God's sake, let me have sex with you! I've never had to ask anyone before, and I wouldn't for anyone else but you. You, with the lovely complexion and curvy body and neck of an eighteen year old."

"Eighteen? Really?" Sally asked, touching her throat.

"If not seventeen," Patrick assured her.

"Oh, Patrick," Sally said, pleased. "You say the nicest things sometimes."

"I know," Patrick said. "Now, please. Please?"

"Well, all right, then," Sally said, smiling at him. "I won't even wear my robe."

"And I won't even ask," Patrick said, taking her hand. "All right, everyone," he announced. "You heard her. It's time for the excellent part. Next time, you are welcome to stay. Tonight, you all must leave. Now. We'll reschedule dinner."

Jane pushed her chair out. "I'm so glad you're taking my advice, Sally. Will anyone come with me for another Glow-tini, then? It'll be loads of fun."

Oliver stood. "I will."

"Well, of course you will, silly," Jane said, laughing. "You don't count, I knew you were. Steve?"

"I think we will, Jane," Susan said, pushing Steve ahead of her. She had an idea that Sally's shirt wasn't long for her body and was in no mood to put up with Steve dealing with that scene. "Let's go, everyone. Night, Sally, Patrick."

Patrick waved them out, his mouth never leaving Sally's neck. Excellent time, at long last.

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