Friends
One thing I hate is feeling like I have to walk on egg shells around my friends. It all started sometime in late January, and it's killing me. My good friend Melissa got mad at me for something I didn't have under my control at all, which made me back off a bit. Okay, that "something" was the *NSYNC concert. Out of stubbornness, she decided that, rather than admit she did want to go after all, she was going to pretend she didn't give a hoot about it. Knowing that the issue has been irritating her since January, I haven't talked about the concert to her. But that meant I couldn't be excited with her before the concert OR afterwards. She's one of my best friends, so it's really hard not to share things that make me happy with her! Ugh.
So partially because of that, I haven't been hanging around with her as much as I had previously. The more she'd push the be included, the more I was almost afraid to be around her for fear I was going to say something to make her angry again. She called about a month ago and told me that she's been feeling left out, so I've been making this huge effort to include her and invite her along and call her. So much so that it's been becoming something I feel I have to do, rather than something I want to do. And that's not how a friendship should be.
Well, after the concert on Friday, Aarti, Tammy and I went out. Melissa, in all her stubbornness, did not go to the concert, and I honestly didn't even think of inviting her to come out after the concert with us, being that she didn't go to the concert with us. It was just like concert, out. I mean, Allstate is a half hour from my house, the city is fifteen minutes further. Well, when I called her to let her know when we were heading back down to school and I mentioned having gone out, apparently she hung up the phone and burst into tears.
The thought hadn't even crossed my mind that she might want to go out after a concert she wanted to go to but refused to admit she wanted to go to, because obviously we'd all be talking about the concert! The whole night seemed like one big plan to me, which she had made clear she wanted no part of. So the car ride back down to school was a bundle of joy, let me tell you. We got into the whole "I feel like you've brushed me aside" "I feel like you've been mad at me for three months" conversation. I hate this whole situation. I hate that she's so extremely sensitive about the issue. She wants to be included in everything, and really, I can't do that. Sometimes plans aren't mine to invite her to. Sometimes things just happen without planning. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with the drama. I have been making a tremendous effort to think of her, and I hate that it is an effort! Argh. I feel like I can't win. I feel like nothing is good enough. And I really, really hate it that I can't just be her friend without having all of these other things hanging in the air around me. Friendship shouldn't be this much work and heartache. <.sigh>