Blue Roses

Found some. I'm such a bad person. I was so anti-real person fic. I still see red whenever I see someone writing/advocating David/Gillian. So why is boyband slash okay? Hmmm.

For the last 36 hours, I've been constantly reminded of the Gulf War. I remember when war was declared. That was third grade, the year I was writing down every book I read. (Mom's pet project for me. I ended up with nearly 400, but that's besides the point.) I wasn't supposed to reread any books, which was just *killing me. I adore rereading books. I constantly reread books. War didn't really mean anything to me, but I could tell it meant something for my parents. They were very nervous. I think I picked up on that, but I don't remember for sure. What I do remember is that mom let me reread BSC books for those 6 weeks. I had started rereading one during the announcement, to get out of the room, and she walked in on me sprawled over my bed, reading feverishly. She reminded me I wasn't supposed to reread, but I said that I was scared and it made me feel better, so she let me. I don't remember if I really was scared, or if I was grabbing at the opportunity. I wish I could remember.

I've been feeling so bad these last two days, and there are times I don't feel I have a right to. Are these feelings real, or am I taking advantage of the situation? I can't tell anymore. I do know that a very smart person that I respect greatly posted her feelings on the Scullyfic list, and they exactly, to the letter, matched mine. And all the TV stations are now talking about how it's normal to feel this way, and that it will take time to feel safe again. I think part of it is the university - the official stance seems to be, "Who cares? Go to school." But it seems so unimportant right now. I keep seeing all those people who died, whenever I close my eyes. And I didn't know any of them. Even if Daiva died, I haven't *seen her in 10 years. I've talked to Gabija more recently, of course, and actually, Daiva as well. Last year, in fact, right when she started working at the WTC. But she's not part of my daily life. So why am I so upset? Sometimes I feel like I feel or think things because it's the "right" thing to do, more than actually having the feelings. But I think I do have these feelings now, and I'm not sure I should. Oh, I don't know anymore. I just wish I was handling this better, I guess. There's no real reason for me to be like this, but when it got dark out yesterday and today, I got so irrationally scared and upset. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore.