Blue Roses

Argh. Had two job interviews today...one at the bank, one at a preschool. I think the school is mine, but it's scary. Twenty kindergartners, all on my own. Twenty. And she said that this is a rough bunch. The first and second graders are sweethearts, but the kindergartners are tough. I would be the teacher. I would do swim with them one afternoon a week, and that morning I would be taking them out of the property on field trips. Is that even legal??? A 20:1 ratio, with the one being someone without a teaching certificate, let alone experience leading an entire class? I've been the aide in a number of kindergarten classrooms, but this would be a totally different experience. EEEEEEKKKK!!!! But it's money, fulltime, and she was excited for me and my week long internship in June. So. I'd have to take it, of course. But I'm scared. A lot. <.g>

Then, tomorow I'm going to get my permit. God, please let me be bringing everything. I can't find my purse with my SS card and voter registration in it, but I have my IL ID and an old permit that expired two years ago, both of which have my SS# on it. God, I wish I could find my purse. My mom will kill me if I don't get my permit tomorrow.

I swear, these are such tiny things, but I am nearing hysteria. I don't get it. I must breathe. Breathe breathe BREATHE, damn it.

I started Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood tonight, already on chapter 13. It's excellent. All along, though, I've been sympathizing with Sidda when she talks about envying her mother and the Ya-Yas, and the friendship/relationship they had, because I was seriously envious, too. But then Sidda's own friends came to visit her, and I was mad at Sidda, because I think she does have it, and she doesn't realize it. It made me wonder if it was my story, would the reader get annoyed with me for complaining and wanting that very thing that I actually have and don't realize? Sometimes I wonder what my life looks like to an outsider. How much I actually manage to hide, how much peeks through, what shows that I don't even know is there. I've gotten e-mails from people, GBabes actually, who complimented me on maturity and intelligence and kindness, and it blows me away, because I don't see it. Makes me wonder what they see, and what leads them to those conclusions about me. Also makes me wonder who's perception is correct...theirs, mine, no ones?

I don't know. Not sure where this is stemming from. Maybe the book, maybe because mom and I were talking today about how some SLPs are making her doubt her faith in Josh's abilities. Josh is a fantastic communicator. Not conventional, no. Sentences aren't grammatical. But who's are? Mine aren't, but you all understand what I say just fine. So he only conveys the important words..."mom video for night." Who needs the "I want"? He's saying he wants to have a video to bring in bed with him when he goes to sleep. Perfectly logical. (Some kids like teddy bears, Josh prefers videos and tapes to protect, make sure we don't steal them from him.) I think it sucks that these so-called professionals who don't see Josh more than 4 hours a month, at most, can know him, know what he's capable of, like we can, who live with him all the time. He gets his point across. People understand him. Isn't that the point of communication? Mom shouldn't doubt her instincts, let other people's perceptions color what she sees. She may not have a degree, but she knows Josh. But on the other side, they have experience and can compare Josh to other kids, see where he measures up. In this case, I don't buy that, I think personal knowledge eclipses professional experience. But who's to say who's right, or if anyone is? Opinions and perceptions are unique to an individual, so can they really be wrong? I disagree with their notions of Josh, but maybe I am biased. (Okay, yes, I am.) But that doesn't make my view of Josh less valid, does it? I see what I see, believe what I believe. And I believe he's a strong communicator, who can certainly improve, but so can we all. I really, truly believe that, no matter what those stupid, otherwise-opinioned people think.

Okay, I'm talking in circles. And I'm not sure of what I'm saying. Don't you love late-night, sleep-deprived posts?