Blue Roses

So I came home from my movie, all happy and bouncy. We had a great time, loved the movie, restaurant was fabulous. Tried ostrich, loved it.

Mom was on the phone with my grandmother. Po's going on oxygen tomorrow. Tomorrow because they couldn't find anyone to get him on it tonight. See, he has esophageal cancer. Has for 2.5 years. And the scar tissue built up so badly that he can't swallow anything, not even saliva. So he had a J-tube, and was given nutritional feed. Now, his body can't digest even that. So he's starving to death. And there's a procedure that the docs recommended, putting a tube in his nose to bypass the scar tissue and everything. But he refused that procedure...that would mean not leaving his bed ever again. He'd be hooked up for the rest of his life. This is the man that at a skeletal 90 pounds (he had been 270) is still driving, because my grandmother has MS and can't, because he has to get to his doctor's appointments somehow. So he refused it. And the hospital discharged him. And now his organs are failing. So. Doesn't really matter that the cancer might have spread to his brain. Why bother even testing? He's going to starve to death. I don't want him to die, I'm going to miss him so bad it's almost going to kill me, but at this point, please let it just be over. He's been through so much. And now this. I can't imagine a more horrible way to die than starvation. Especially for a man who so truly loved to eat. He adored food. And now this. Life sucks.