Blue Roses

Got up early, got ready to go. Mom asked if I wanted to read my eulogy to practice it, I said no. She left, and I did. <.g> Teared up at the end, went "uh-oh." There was a big production getting Josh out of the house - he's in his wheelchair fulltime now, until the surgery on the 16th, and we have stairs to get outside. Lovely. So we all help carry him up, then I lock the doors and we leave. Mom keeps telling Josh we're going to a special funeral for Po, because she originally said good-bye, and then told him that he'd say goodbye to me and dad after wards. LOL Not a good thing to tell him. <.g> So it changed to special funeral. And I was privately sniffly the whole way.

We got there, and it got worse. We had to wait for another funeral to be done. (As my uncle Marty said, "Oh, look. A Real funeral, for a Real Catholic." Po was Presbyterian. Don't ask.) I was 10 seconds from bursting into tears with almost every breath. Josh was carrying a little laminated card with a picture of us with Po on one side, and the other side read "This is me with my grandfather. We called him Po. Po lives with God up in Heaven now." It freaking killed me. Everytime he'd show it to someone or mom would read it, the tears would bubble up closer. Stupid me, I left my cell phone at home, 'cause I desperately wanted to call Jennie. Or anyone, but really Jennie. So I tried to use mom's cell to call 411, but I couldn't find her number. This is the problem with phone books and not memorizing things. <.g>

So we finally get to go in. Sue, Aunt Karen's partner, and I set up Po's pictures - both of which I'm asking for copies of, I think - with the red rose, and get the speaking bits all squared away. She and Aunt Margaret did the readings, and then I was set to do the eulogy after Communion. The priest was a total bastard. He has been the entire time - very bad attitude. None of us were pleased.

So, it starts. And it started with my favorite hymn, On Eagles Wings. I was in the first row, sitting next to Grammy, and she was clutching my hand. Her mother, my great-grandmother, was sitting on her other side, and Aunt Karen and Sue were next to me. Aunt Margaret and Uncle Marty were behind us, Mom, Dad and Josh were in the very back in case Josh got loud. (Which he didn't.) It's really all a blur to me. I mostly stared at Po's pictures - one of him and Grammy, and one portrait of him - and helped Grammy with all the standing and sitting.

So communion comes. Everyone sits down, and that's my cue. I get up there. The priest tells me to wait. I do. Someone up in the loft starts singing. I didn't recognize the voice, and I was too nervous to actually look. I didn't know the song, but I kept thinking how lovely it was, and how on target it was, and it was so damned perfect for Po, and didn't they have songs for everything? okay, and I was also somehwat bitching that the priest had messed me up and I was standing in front of everyone for three minutes. <.g> But. It turns out that it was Nan! My uncle Bobby (the one who looks like Kevin Richarson, Kate LOL)'s girlfriend or wife or partner or whatever. She wrote the song, played the right hand on the piano, and sang it. I was beyond blown away.

So she finishes and it was my turn. I start to talk. I warned mom I probably wouldn't look up, and she said that was okay. I did look up a few times, though. And every time, I saw lots and lots of people crying. And I got about halfway through, and I was, too. I think I was still understandable, though. I tried.

So I tripped back over people getting to my seat, and it was over. One of mom's cousins videotaped it, so hopefully I'll get a copy. I was stuck in the pew while people came up to Grammy, so it was awhile before we left. I said goodbye to my great-grandmother, and that was it. Home to pack up the car and leave.

So. Saturday was a very very long day, emotionally and physically. Which is why I'm so glad to have today off. : ) But now I need a shower. <.g>