Blue Roses

What a day, what a day. I've been doing a lot of research on my grandfather's options for the last two days, which is hard, because the esophageal cancer returned and there are no cures for this. Just things to make him more comfortable. And that makes me sad. So I have this mix of happy songs that I was playing at full volume and singing along with while I did all this depressing searching, which Aarti walked in on. Whoops. <.g> But yeah, it's a sad sad thing.

They did drive out to our house this afternoon, though, to read all the info I found. It was pretty overwhelming and stuff. Mom made him some mac and cheese, though...he couldn't swallow, but he could swallow and taste and spit out. Which was a little distressing for him, because he wanted to swallow and eat, but he did like this little bit. And then mom pulled out the wine for her and grammy, and he was like, "You know, I was watching Frasier and he and Niles do this wine tasting thing..." So he wine tasted. <.g> With this, like, HUGE grin on his face, apparently. Like he was doing something he shouldn't, and loving every minute. LOL I can totally see that. <.giggle>

Mom's having more problems with Daddy...he's just so closed minded and sees everything in black and white, and neither of us do. So I somehow got turned into a marriage counselor. <.g> I guess I don't mind so much, though. I know it's hard for her. They agree on so much, they're best friends, but they have such fundamental differences that it's hard to get past sometimes. It always comes back, and it can get quite bad. So it's just sucky.

Today's Ash Wednesday for all the Catholics out there. I kept seeing people walking around with ashes on their forehead, and I honestly considered going to the 5pm mass to get mine. I still might go to the 10pm with Meg. But I don't know. I like the comfort of the routine...I haven't been to mass since I left Naz sophomore year, but I bet I can still sing the hymns and do the speaking parts, and everything. So there's that, but on the other hand, I disagree so strongly with much of what the Catholic church rests its foundations on...sex, divorce, women's roles in the church, abortion, same sex love....these are very big things to disagree with your church on. LOL So it's comfortable on one hand because it's what I grew up with, and uncomfortable on the other because I don't believe all of it. So I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. And even if I don't go tonight to get my ashes, doesn't mean I can't go in the future.

Guess I should get studying. <.sigh> I'm learning things, I swear I know way more than I did a week ago, but I just plain do not know what to study. I feel like whatever I learn and prepare is exactly what he won't test me on, but I don't know what else to go over! The notes, the book, the course pack. Somehow, he's going to come up with stuff to stump me, and I resent that greatly. <.g> But hey, my discussion class for edpsych is getting pizza for Valentine's Day. That I can get behind. The test is in 12 days for that class, and I'm actually looking forward to it. It's group tests! Wheee! LOL