Blue Roses

So. My grandmother is talking to my mother again. All is well there. That's the good news.

My grandfather is going to die soon. That's the bad. I've been saying that for a long time, I realize. And he could bounce back from this. For maybe a week. He can't process any feed anymore. his liver is shutting down and the toxins are releasing and killing him. His heart is giving up. He's being discharged from the hospital tomorrow, with three days of nutritional things - not feed, but like glucose and morphine for the IV. Then he's going to die.

Grammy told mom she thinks it'll happen tonight. When he's all alone, she thinks he thinks it'll be better that way. He could have been discharged today, but he said no, he felt safer in the hospital. So he stayed. And grammy thinks this is it.

I talked to him today. He wants to see me on Saturday, he said. Me, mom and Josh. Was very happy that I've been so happy this summer. Couldn't wait to see pics and hear stories about my kidlets. I didn't really get a good good bye or an I love you before he had to pass the phone to my grandmother, but maybe those things don't need to be SAID, because God knows they're felt on both sides.

He requested no wake or funeral. Straight to the crematorium. We think it's so his kids and ex-wife don't hassel grammy. They've all not gotten along well since he married my grandmother. Cindy, his daughter, still refuses to talk to him ever. Bobby, his son, has done a little bit and saw him over Easter. But it's still very strained. Mom thinks it's a slap in the face to them, and it probably is, but it's his decision.

So, yes. Here we are. August 7 (happy birthday, David Duchovny), my grandfather is most likely going to die, and I have to move down to school on Sunday. I'm losing my kids, my best job ever, my Dominic (who gave me another nickname today, but also went out on a date tonight. Bastard ; ), and my grandfather. In just, like, three days.

I am SO tired. I was going to go to bed early tonight. I signed off line at 9, read for an hour, and was about to get into bed before 10 when the phone rang and it was my uncle. Mom asked me to keep an ear out for Josh. I did. She wasn't up again by 11, I went down for a snack (bad me), and she was talking to grammy. Then she called me down and told me. And now I'm so tired, but afraid to sleep. Not afraid. Just...wary. Maybe. I don't know.

I had this dream a few nights ago where Po died. We were talking, I went to go get him something, and when I came back, he was dead. Sounds sad, but it wasn't. Actually, what I had when I came back was a baby, a boy I named Robert after him. So it was a happy dream, even though he was gone. I don't usually remember my dreams so clearly for so long, but this one I do. Life's going to go on, I guess. Everything will carry on. It's just so sad now.

Mom keeps bugging me to go to bed. I should. I'm going to be a wreck in the morning. But I might as well stay up the next 13 minutes and wish JC a happy birthday. Got nothing better to do. It's a happy. A ridiculous happy, but hey, you take what you can get, right? : )