Blue Roses

I can't believe it's been a full year. Sometimes it feels like so much longer, other times it feels like yesterday. Either way, it's still so clear.

I had a late class. I woke up at 8:15, grumbly because what had woken me up was Kate and Sarah running up and down the stairs and hall, talking loudly. I went over to my computer, sat down, and was bombarded from IMs from my mother and Kate, asking if I had on MSNBC. Of course I didn't, I was barely seeing yet. I turned it on quickly, and didn't leave my TV all day.

I remember posting frantically, terrified about my father working in downtown Chicago, and about all my friends who lived in NYC. Amy, I knew, lived across the street from WTC. I had no idea where she was. I remember Krissy IMed me, and said that she had read it on my blog first, that she had thought it was a WW fic I was reading. We spent the whole day together, watching coverage. The University didn't cancel classes, but I didn't go. I didn't know what was going to happen next, and I needed to know about my friends.

I missed the planes crashing, but I saw the Pentagon. I almost, but did not, miss the first tower crumbling, because my VCR kicked on to record Sports Night, my favorite episode (Dear Louise), and I had to actually think about if I should let it keep taping or turn it off. I ran into Kate's room to see what was happening and saw the tower go. I ran back into my room to stop the tape. I never did get that episode on tape.

MSNBC is about to start airing footage of the planes again, of the towers going down. I'm not sure I can handle that again. It got to the point last year, when those images were repeated so often, that I couldn't go to sleep at night. I'm not sure I understand why they have to show us again and again. Like any of us will ever forget? I can't imagine that anyone wants to see this again. That's not hiding from what happened, it's just not needing to see a photo of fireman carrying out a dead chaplain. We know it happened, it's real, it's horrific and sad, but it's also still raw.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who lost people last year. If this is hard for me, someone who doesn't even live in one of the places or lost a loved one, how can they feel today? I'm thinking especially of a friend who lost her best friend, who was photographed jumping from a tower. I haven't heard from her in so very long, and I miss her. Love you, Meg. {{HUGS}}