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my guy

So, it's been a year. One full year since my Po died.

A lot has happened since I posted what became his eulogy. Some good, some bad, some in between.

I miss him a lot. He was a great guy, and I loved him. He adored me right back. We were a good pair.

Geez, I just don't know what to say. But I have to say something, becuase this day cannot go past unmarked. It's weird how clearly and vividly I still remember everything that happened last year. Damien's apartment. Talking to Po for the last time. The last time I saw Po, when we checked him into hospice. Working in that hellhole, even the day he died. How everything just seemed to go on, without regards to the man who was no longer with us. I remember it all like I'm there now, but it feels so far away. Like he's always been gone.

Maybe that's a good thing. He isn't in pain anymore. He was, for a long long time before he died. He's got to be happier now, missing us or not. Maybe it's his way of telling me, us, whoever, that it all ended okay, the way it should have.

Still sucks, though. I want him here. I wanted him at my graduation party. In person, not just spirit. I want him at our family holidays - if I have to suffer through those painful hours of extended family togetherness, by golly I want him there to mock them all with me. Not fair, not fair, not fair.

We had 21 years, and that's pretty cool. Could have gone for 21 more, but I'm pretty small potatoes on the "Let it be so!" list.

Still don't know what I'm saying. Babbling now, really, but how is that different from any time else? I know what I mean, though. And so does Po. And that has to be enough for now.

Po was around for 67 years. It was a good life. Definitely changed mine. And as long as me and my blog are here, no one's going to forget him.

Love you, Po. You're always my guy. I miss you. Even when I'm just doing my thing, not thinking about it, I still miss you. Sorry things have kinda gone to seed, family wise, without you here. You kept us together, I think. Certainly kept Grammy slightly more sane. Things will get better, though, I'm sure of it. Go listen to Elvis sing, hang out and have fun, but don't forget to check on me sometimes. I still need you around. : ) {{HUGS}}

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