Blue Roses

I've been trying, every day,to explain a little of my feelings about school to mom. It goes better in little bits than it does trying to explain everything. Especially since this has been coming to me in bits over a period of time, and it's completely unfair to expect her or dad to get it all at once. They need time, just like me.

So today we talked a little bit, and discussed my dropping neuro as a credit class to easemy load. (Last night, the teacher (who reminded me SO MUCH of Tamara Braun) said how last year after the first class six people dropped and one ended up sobbing in the bathroom about how she wanted to leave the program and find out if her old job was still available. I sympathized. <.g>) I like this option. I felt much better about things after that talk.

Then I called after class this morning, and we talked again. She's pushing for me to apply to the library science program this week/next week and see if I can get accepted now. "End this charade" is the way she put it. So, I read about the application process and such, found the name of my writing teacher from junior year - he's the only professor I can think of!

As it turns out, my girl doesn't have an aide yet.

But see...I feel bad. I feel bad that this was important to mom and I can't do it. This very likely shouldn't have an impact on my big life choices, but it does. (Like Jess, I have a strong attachment to my family <.g>) I feel guilty that I can't do what she expects me to do. And then on top of that, of course I have the fear that library science isn't it for me, either, and what the fuck do I do then?

One really nice thing about the application, though, is part of it is visiting a library and interviewing and asking questions and learning about the job. I think that's really great, and something I would definitely want to do anyway. That may help alleviate myfears of finding another profession that doesn't agree with me.

Also, this is a very big step of independence and making up my own mind and making choices, and well, I'm not too good at any of those things. But I guess it's best to jump in and try now, than never.

Eep.