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God damn it

Eleven fucking o'clock at night and my phone rings. It's my damn mother, telling me that plans have, once again, changed, and I am coming home this weekend. Dad'll drive down tomorrow and get me, and drive me back fucking Monday morning.

My grandfather, it turns out, had ecoli. Hence the illness and hospitalization. Now he has a staph infection. You know, what ROsie had awhile back and nearly died from and she's a healthy strong woman and not a cadaverous 101 pound man riddled with cancer? So, yeah, going home to go to the hospital and say goodbye. After all these fucking months of cancer and the scares, it's going to be a goddamned staph infection he got at the fucking hospital that does him in. I mean, yeah, sure he might pull through this one like he pulled through the rest of the crises. But it's not fucking likely.

My poor mother, I was totally yelling at her on the phone. Dad heard me. There were shrieks involved. I get loud and pretty nasty when I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm sick. It's just....this was supposde to be a good week. nsync, yay! Now everything is topsy turvy and I'm mad as hell. I'm mad that he's so sick. I'm mad that he's so sick THIS weekend when I have two big exams this week and will be home NEXT weekend and can't he just WAIT? I'm BUSY, damn it. And that's so fucking unfair and childish of me, because it's ot like he fucking planned this, or wants this. Everything is just so damned BAD.

Sorry about typos...I'm typing fast and furious and in KAte's room because I got fucking locked out of mt today and that's why I'm rinas and not rina stewart. Which is just one more fuckking aggravation to deal with on top of everything else.

I am so upset and there is no one here for me toi vent to. I'm trying so hard not to be sobbing here, because gee, wouldn't that make my pathetic typing even better? I'm just AHHHHHHHHHHHH. This was going to be suc ha bad weekend for me, studying for the two exams and trying to prepare my two papers before going home on Wednesday. But I had no idea it was going to be this bda. Screw schoolwork, I do not want my grandfather to die. Not now, not this week, not anytime soon. ANd I am so pissed off and sad and mixed up inside that he is and there's not one damn thing I can d oabout it. I have to say goodbye. This is my Po...there is no one like him in the world. There is no option of me staying her and doing schoolwork nd that ALSO makes me angry, but I think I'm just mad in general, because this is my decision and I have to see him. I love him so fucking much, and God, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Just please help me.

I want this t obe an overreaction. I want this to be me overtired and freaking out and have it all be okay. I am so fine with making a fool of myself if it means that when I see him tomorrow, it's not the last time.

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