Blue Roses

Don't expect to see me for awhile. <.g> This is my schedule:

Tomorrow:
Work 7:45-10:30
Class 11-6:30, with some half hour breaks in between
Work 6:30-10

Thursday:
Class 8:30-2:30 with one break
work 2:30-6
Pray cable is upgraded so we can watch VMAs

Friday:
possibly work 8-8

Saturday:
work 7a-9p

Sunday:
Die of exhaustion

Monday:
work 7a-9p

and so on and so forth for the next two weeks, TTh being identical (except for a 6-8p class on Thursday) and MW identical. ::blinks:: Yeah. I so better love my paychecks. It'd be nice if FSaSu are broken into shifts, but I'm thinking that's less than likely. I can hope, though! You never know.

So. Bed now. I need to be up at 6. <.whimper>

Posted by Rina at 09:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

From Burn's blog. <.g>

Fun stuff!

Posted by Rina at 04:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My Jennie-love found the suntimes guestbook for my grandfather. Isn't it neat? : )

His obit is here. It's, uh, amusing. To us, anyway. LOL Grammy mentioned the freaking DOG, who I don't think he even liked much, and not his parents. Or his two aunts, who are still alive. LOL Oh, Grammy, Grammy, Grammy. Also, he may have done all of this, but not to that extent! LOL Ah, well. <.g>

Posted by Rina at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Another update at the zoo! : ) Another one of mine - Alicia and Nydia, you gotta start writing faster! LOL Nydia, I know you have many WIPs, but Alicia, are you even working on anything? <.g> Anyway, I present to you:

Her Time Now.
She watches them a lot. She always has, really, all the way back on the Club, even.

Feedback always dearly welcomed. : )

Posted by Rina at 07:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I had a lovely day off. Decorated my room, unpacked the kitchen, ran errands with Kate, ate strawberry cheesecake frozen yogurt in a waffle cone, talked to my Jennie-girl on her lunch break, and took pictures of most of the apartment for my mom, who can't visit until at least January because of Josh's knee. My room is, uh, very nsyncy. LOL Oh, well, I like it. LOL It also has tons of kidlet drawings! Too adorable for words.

And I can't believe I forgot to say this before! Alicia, I LOVE YOU! Seriously! First off, the nail polish is too cool for words, and it's going on my nails (in place of "cotton candy" LOL) tonight. <.g> Second, when I came in on Saturday, Kate had the JC picture on her wall. And I was like, "AWWWWW! How cute!" And then she told me I had one too! It's now in my little desk alcove, right next to my little brother dancing to BBB. <.giggle> That's an amazing picture, man. I swear, it's closer and clearer than the one of Josh! How did you get it so perfect? No flash?

I seem to think there was one other thing. Oh, well. I tried the new Pepsi drink today, Berry Fusion. I like it. Quite blue raspberry, I think. But I like it. <.g>

Posted by Rina at 07:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Got up early, got ready to go. Mom asked if I wanted to read my eulogy to practice it, I said no. She left, and I did. <.g> Teared up at the end, went "uh-oh." There was a big production getting Josh out of the house - he's in his wheelchair fulltime now, until the surgery on the 16th, and we have stairs to get outside. Lovely. So we all help carry him up, then I lock the doors and we leave. Mom keeps telling Josh we're going to a special funeral for Po, because she originally said good-bye, and then told him that he'd say goodbye to me and dad after wards. LOL Not a good thing to tell him. <.g> So it changed to special funeral. And I was privately sniffly the whole way.

We got there, and it got worse. We had to wait for another funeral to be done. (As my uncle Marty said, "Oh, look. A Real funeral, for a Real Catholic." Po was Presbyterian. Don't ask.) I was 10 seconds from bursting into tears with almost every breath. Josh was carrying a little laminated card with a picture of us with Po on one side, and the other side read "This is me with my grandfather. We called him Po. Po lives with God up in Heaven now." It freaking killed me. Everytime he'd show it to someone or mom would read it, the tears would bubble up closer. Stupid me, I left my cell phone at home, 'cause I desperately wanted to call Jennie. Or anyone, but really Jennie. So I tried to use mom's cell to call 411, but I couldn't find her number. This is the problem with phone books and not memorizing things. <.g>

So we finally get to go in. Sue, Aunt Karen's partner, and I set up Po's pictures - both of which I'm asking for copies of, I think - with the red rose, and get the speaking bits all squared away. She and Aunt Margaret did the readings, and then I was set to do the eulogy after Communion. The priest was a total bastard. He has been the entire time - very bad attitude. None of us were pleased.

So, it starts. And it started with my favorite hymn, On Eagles Wings. I was in the first row, sitting next to Grammy, and she was clutching my hand. Her mother, my great-grandmother, was sitting on her other side, and Aunt Karen and Sue were next to me. Aunt Margaret and Uncle Marty were behind us, Mom, Dad and Josh were in the very back in case Josh got loud. (Which he didn't.) It's really all a blur to me. I mostly stared at Po's pictures - one of him and Grammy, and one portrait of him - and helped Grammy with all the standing and sitting.

So communion comes. Everyone sits down, and that's my cue. I get up there. The priest tells me to wait. I do. Someone up in the loft starts singing. I didn't recognize the voice, and I was too nervous to actually look. I didn't know the song, but I kept thinking how lovely it was, and how on target it was, and it was so damned perfect for Po, and didn't they have songs for everything? okay, and I was also somehwat bitching that the priest had messed me up and I was standing in front of everyone for three minutes. <.g> But. It turns out that it was Nan! My uncle Bobby (the one who looks like Kevin Richarson, Kate LOL)'s girlfriend or wife or partner or whatever. She wrote the song, played the right hand on the piano, and sang it. I was beyond blown away.

So she finishes and it was my turn. I start to talk. I warned mom I probably wouldn't look up, and she said that was okay. I did look up a few times, though. And every time, I saw lots and lots of people crying. And I got about halfway through, and I was, too. I think I was still understandable, though. I tried.

So I tripped back over people getting to my seat, and it was over. One of mom's cousins videotaped it, so hopefully I'll get a copy. I was stuck in the pew while people came up to Grammy, so it was awhile before we left. I said goodbye to my great-grandmother, and that was it. Home to pack up the car and leave.

So. Saturday was a very very long day, emotionally and physically. Which is why I'm so glad to have today off. : ) But now I need a shower. <.g>

Posted by Rina at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Got up early, got ready to go. Mom asked if I wanted to read my eulogy to practice it, I said no. She left, and I did. <.g> Teared up at the end, went "uh-oh." There was a big production getting Josh out of the house - he's in his wheelchair fulltime now, until the surgery on the 16th, and we have stairs to get outside. Lovely. So we all help carry him up, then I lock the doors and we leave. Mom keeps telling Josh we're going to a special funeral for Po, because she originally said good-bye, and then told him that he'd say goodbye to me and dad after wards. LOL Not a good thing to tell him. <.g> So it changed to special funeral. And I was privately sniffly the whole way.

We got there, and it got worse. We had to wait for another funeral to be done. (As my uncle Marty said, "Oh, look. A Real funeral, for a Real Catholic." Po was Presbyterian. Don't ask.) I was 10 seconds from bursting into tears with almost every breath. Josh was carrying a little laminated card with a picture of us with Po on one side, and the other side read "This is me with my grandfather. We called him Po. Po lives with God up in Heaven now." It freaking killed me. Everytime he'd show it to someone or mom would read it, the tears would bubble up closer. Stupid me, I left my cell phone at home, 'cause I desperately wanted to call Jennie. Or anyone, but really Jennie. So I tried to use mom's cell to call 411, but I couldn't find her number. This is the problem with phone books and not memorizing things. <.g>

So we finally get to go in. Sue, Aunt Karen's partner, and I set up Po's pictures - both of which I'm asking for copies of, I think - with the red rose, and get the speaking bits all squared away. She and Aunt Margaret did the readings, and then I was set to do the eulogy after Communion. The priest was a total bastard. He has been the entire time - very bad attitude. None of us were pleased.

So, it starts. And it started with my favorite hymn, On Eagles Wings. I was in the first row, sitting next to Grammy, and she was clutching my hand. Her mother, my great-grandmother, was sitting on her other side, and Aunt Karen and Sue were next to me. Aunt Margaret and Uncle Marty were behind us, Mom, Dad and Josh were in the very back in case Josh got loud. (Which he didn't.) It's really all a blur to me. I mostly stared at Po's pictures - one of him and Grammy, and one portrait of him - and helped Grammy with all the standing and sitting.

So communion comes. Everyone sits down, and that's my cue. I get up there. The priest tells me to wait. I do. Someone up in the loft starts singing. I didn't recognize the voice, and I was too nervous to actually look. I didn't know the song, but I kept thinking how lovely it was, and how on target it was, and it was so damned perfect for Po, and didn't they have songs for everything? okay, and I was also somehwat bitching that the priest had messed me up and I was standing in front of everyone for three minutes. <.g> But. It turns out that it was Nan! My uncle Bobby (the one who looks like Kevin Richarson, Kate LOL)'s girlfriend or wife or partner or whatever. She wrote the song, played the right hand on the piano, and sang it. I was beyond blown away.

So she finishes and it was my turn. I start to talk. I warned mom I probably wouldn't look up, and she said that was okay. I did look up a few times, though. And every time, I saw lots and lots of people crying. And I got about halfway through, and I was, too. I think I was still understandable, though. I tried.

So I tripped back over people getting to my seat, and it was over. One of mom's cousins videotaped it, so hopefully I'll get a copy. I was stuck in the pew while people came up to Grammy, so it was awhile before we left. I said goodbye to my great-grandmother, and that was it. Home to pack up the car and leave.

So. Saturday was a very very long day, emotionally and physically. Which is why I'm so glad to have today off. : ) But now I need a shower. <.g>

Posted by Rina at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well, I haven't fallen off the edge of the world, I promise. <.g> Let's start at the end and move backwards.

I have the day off today!!! I asked Jamie if I could, and she said yes. I just totally needed the day to regroup. I've just been going nonstop since last Sunday, and I needed to step off for a moment. So I did! Wheee! I get time to relax for once! But tomorrow I work from 8-3. Blah. LOL

Okay, now I'm skipping around. Friday, Kate helped me move out of D's. I took the train home, and then Saturday I moved everything down. Daddy didn't leave until 12:30. <.sigh> But my room looks great, and I love my desk! Squeeee! All I have left is to get pictures up on the wall. And then set up the DVD/VCR in the living room, and kitchen in a box (which reminds me too much of Puppies in a Box LOL). Oh, man, we have SO much JC right now. LOL He's on four calendars - mine and Kate's big ones, my little group one, and her little JC one - and then she put her framed picture of him in the living room. LOL I think the bathroom is the only non-JC-ified room, as my mini calendar is in our kitchen. LOL It's pretty cute.

Okay, I think the memorial service deserves it's own post. So, give me a few minutes. : )

Posted by Rina at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm going to start searching, but I thought myabe someone here could help. I'm looking for an appropriate new Testament reading for my mom to do at the memorial service on Saturday. Any and all ideas are welcomed. : )

Posted by Rina at 05:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So far, it's been a productive day. The power in mine and Kate's place is on. Cable will be on Saturday, if it isn't already. I grabbed an application for a used book store in case NNQ doesn't work out. Only bad thing was buying a book out of guilt, or something, and spending nearly $5 on it. Eeeek! I really think it was supposed to be far cheaper than that, but. It's Kate Hepburn. It'll be worth it.

So, what's left: paperwork. Packing. Drinking the rest of my wine coolers so daddy doesn't see them. Possibly running out to get something nice for dinner. (That had been a definite until I bought that book. <.sigh>) Not so bad, really. Pretty manageable. And the wine coolers should make the paperwork more fun. LOL

So tomorrow I work 6 hours, wait for daddy to bring my stuff, move in, move my other stuff out of D's, and go home. Saturday, I do the eulogy, drive back down here, do my groceries, and collapse. Sunday, I work. Somehow, I shall get through it all. I'll just probably bitch and moan during 75% of it. (Not the eulogy.)

But today was the first day I didn't feel so very sad through everything. In fact, I was positively jovial after I got the power all worked out and happy. I think that's probably a good sign. I am, however, still eating everything in sight and trying to take naps, but hopefully that'll get better, too.

Hmmm. I just realized - I could probably get a cool sandwhich from Panera for the same price as a bag of chips and a big thing of dip. And the latter would last longer and be more of a comfort food. Hmmm. Things to ponder.

Posted by Rina at 03:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

Better than Charlie Brown. <.g> And HEY! Their Lucy answer isn't very nice. <.pout> I adore Lucy. She's my gal.

Posted by Rina at 06:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Rina at 06:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Damn damn damn damn. Mom just called me, almost in tears. Josh's other knee dislocated. Like, badly. He was on the floor, clutching his knee, sobbing. She pushed it in, as taught, as he's on the couch, quite comfy now, but fully unable to walk. One of his PTs came over, and said this was probably it. Two disloactions in such a short period of time, it has to be. But we're going to try taping it and putting it in a stabilizer, seeing if we can put off surgery for awhile.

Damn, man. When it rains, it really fucking pours. My poor baby boy. : ( Like it isn't horrible enough on its own, we have to deal with it now, on top of everything else.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! So mad at the world right now. And no one's online to talk to. : (

Posted by Rina at 06:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So. Starting at the end. I just met Damien's mom. ::blinks:: Dude, I love her. Seriously. She has the coolest brogue. Sweetest personality, great sense of humor. I adore her. Makes me almost regret that I've realized that I will never think of Damien as anything but a friend. (ALMOST) 'Cause really, she's cool. <.g> Anyway, she said she could have sworn that she went into the wrong apartment, because she's NEVER seen it this cleaned up. LOL She also said that that's how boys are, and her husband was the same way, and I'm very brave for staying here. <.g> They invited me out, to Red Lobster, but I'm just not feeling up to going anywhere. Big surprise. I owe D a huge apology for being such a crappy guest. But, hey, I have his place to myself now. Until Friday, when I move out.

Moving backwards, Justin's album, Justified, will be out November 12. The video is out September 9, and the Making of is out the 4th. I'm rather excited. The more I hear the song, the more I love it. It's on now, in fact. I'm even picking up more of the lyrics. Wish I could find them all online somewhere. I kinda blinked at the album name at first, but now it amuses me. Apparently people at LJ have been criticizing J a lot, for everything from the album title to the musical style, but I'm not seeing much of it. Besides, who cares? I'm looking forward to the album - it's not *my usual style, but hey, neither was the Buffy soundtrack and I adore it. If it's anything like this song, it'll be growly and sexy, and hey, I'll happily deal.

And now. So, remember that post I made the day Po died? Mom and I were talking about what she had sent to her friends and the esophageal cancer list, and I said I had a post, too. I asked if she wanted to read it, she said yes. She said it was wonderful. Showed it to daddy, who was very impressed. Today, she talked to Grammy, who's doing pretty well. Amazingly well. But she did decide that she wants a memorial service, so that's going to be Saturday. So, Kate, yeah. I'll move in with you on Friday and promptly abandon you. : ( Sorry.

But. Mom told Grammy about what I wrote, Grammy wanted to hear it, and mom read it to her. And now Grammy wants me to read it at the service. Which I'll do, of course. I'm nervous. But I think it will be good. Some real closure. Besides, I'm proud of the way it came out.

Mom and I talked today - Josh had speech this morning, but in the end, mom canceled it. Said she just couldn't bear to go back to a routine just yet. And YES. That's so it. I've been so upset because I've had to be back in my routine so quickly. Within hours. With no real time to grieve. And that fucking sucks. I remembered back to last year, when Liesl died. I was quite sad that night, but by morning, I was feeling okay. Just like I am now. But I went home the next day, and that's what made it real for me - being where she should have been and wasn't. So I think being home and the memorial service will help me, the change of routine will help me. Not that, at this point, I really want it to be real. 'Cause that's going to hurt, big time.

Posted by Rina at 05:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well, here I am again. Pretty tired. I didn't want to go to sleep last night, and stayed up too late. Then D went to bed at 4, which woke me up, and I was awake for over an hour. And now it's thundering, and that sucks.

It doesn't seem real yet. I cried a lot yesterday morning. I was ten minutes late to work, walked over in the pounding rain, and when I explaimed to Jamie why I was late, burst into tears. By the time I had composed myself and was working, it was clearing up and there was blue skies for the rest of the day. It was also the last time I cried. All day at work, it was like nothing had happened. And I was mad, because I didn't want to pretend it didn't happen. But now it doesn't seem real. I've typed it out several times - Po died 25 hours ago - and said it a few times (to Jamie, Damien, Melissa and Jennie), and it doesn't seem true. I don't know what to do. Mom says I have to keep telling the story, until I own it. But I've run out of people to tell it to. And what I need is a RL person to let me get it all out, and the only person here is Damien. And I like D, he's a great guy, a good friend, but I can't with him. I don't feel comfortable. All yesterday, I just wanted to avoid his as much as possible, which isn't fair to him. But there you go. Anyone interested in coming to Champaign for an imprompto and certainly not really fun visit? <.g> I need real hugs and plenty of them. From friends.

Meanwhile. I have to try and pick up my apartment keys today. Call cable and internet people, and whoever else have you, and try and get those set up, so I can move in tomorrow. I'm hoping both those providers will be thrilled to get one person out of the way before the big crush. <.g> I also have to ask Barr what else needs to be turned on. So those are my plans for the day. Get apartment stuff ready and find alone time to cry and stuff. The latter of which probably won't happen, but I can try. Oh, but D said he's trying to go home tonight or tomorrow for the rest of the week, and so I'd have the place to myself. Very kind of him.

Posted by Rina at 08:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So in March of 1936, this boy was born. And he was pretty cool. But what was even cooler was that he was going to grow up and become my grandfather. Not by blood, you understand - he was going to enter the picture long after my mom was born, and he wasn't going to enter in the best possible of ways. But by the time I showed up, for better or worse, he had been there for awhile. And we looked into each other's eyes, me all of a few hours old, and we thought, "Hey, I like this person. I think I'll keep them around." And we did. For 21 years, we kept each other around, and it was great. There was this bond that neither of us had with anyone else, that we did have with each other, and we knew it. We cherished it. He was my guy. He always will be.

Po was in a coma. Highly unusual for cancer patients, because it meant they were hanging on so desperately hard. But between 3:30 and 4 this morning, he came out of it. Mom was on night duty, remember. He responded to touch. He lifted his head to see my grandmother better. He actually *swallowed, something he hasn't done in months and months, maybe a year. He had the energy to cough. It was like his body was resting while in this coma so he could properly say goodbye. They listened to Elvis spirituals on cassette. Big lover of the King, you know. And he wasn't exactly talking. But you could see his mouth moving, see that he thought he could be heard, see the intonations. And mostly was he said I was "I love you" to my grandmother. But every time the tape side would end, it would make a clicking noise, and he'd teasingly remind my mother to flip the tape over. It became a little joke with them, she said.

They watched the sunrise together. Mom said it was a spectacular one. Even workers at the hospital came in to watch, before their shifts started. Mom kept saying things like "moments of grace."

He waited until Grammy went into the bathroom. Mom saw and called her back. Grammy was by his side when he passed, at about 7:25 this morning. Daddy called me about 5 minutes later.

It doesn't seem real yet. I'll be typing this, and the oddest bits will get me crying. Like Elvis. Made. Me. Bawl. And the time. The time got me crying. Not the words that he passed. But the time. Makes it more real, I guess.

So, a boy was born in 1936. And he died in 2002. But in between, he did some amazing things. And I will always love him. Because he is my guy.

Posted by Rina at 07:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Po's in a coma now. Mom's on night duty, she's already there. Grammy wants to know about a passage from Hamlet, goodnight sweet prince, and something about choirs of angels. Someone know where I can find the passage? I'm searching now, but it's fairly unsuccessful as of yet.

Posted by Rina at 05:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My one day off all week! Yay!!

So yesterday I decided to watch my MSG tape, 'cause the internet sucked and I was bored. So I did. And, um, did I mention that my phone now rings IGBM? "cause, um, it does. And so I was in the living room watching the SDBs sing IGBM, and then I heard beeping echoing their singing pretty damn well. And I thought, "Oh, fuck. The tracking already sucks, now it's making noises." Then I realized it was my phone. <.g> It was mom.

She's been at the hospital the last two days. Dad has been so majorly nice and wonderful. He went out yesterday at 6am to buy her a sandwich and two sodas and magazines and stuff so she could leave at 6:45, and he stayed with Josh all day long, until she got home at 7:30. And even then he was putting Josh to bed still. And she was there from 11ish-8ish the day before. Isn't that wonderful of him? So, anyway, she was there for a long time. This was her timeline:

Saturday night, I bought a funny card for Po, Sunday I moved down, Monday Daddy mailed it. Po got it on Tuesday, and he read it, and it made him smile a lot. It's hanging up next to my sunset. It was good timing, because he can't do that anymore. He hasn't spoken since Wednesday. He just lies there, eyes maybe half open, blinking maybe 6 times yesterday, mom said. Which of course dries out your eyes and that isn't pretty. He's also down to 8 breaths a minute. Everything is shutting down quickly.

So that's her timeline. Grammy doesn't go home anymore. She lies in bed with him pretty much all the time. For Father's Day, I got him a t-shirt that says "This is what a cool grandpa looks like." He wore it nonstop the last week until Thursday, when his J-tube started leaking and he had to put on a gown. Now it lies on top of him all the time Grammy wanted to know if it should be cremated with him, or if I wanted it back. It's his. It is so important to him, makes him so happy. So it'll be a part of him always when he passes.

Obviously not a very uplifting phone conversation. I wish I was there, though, and not here. I really don't like my job. Fully miserable in it, as a matter of fact. I had a lot of time to think yesterday, and I think that's responsible for my return of nsync obsession - the videos and exessive fic and daydreams. I didn't need them this summer because I was already totally happy with my job and everything else. Didn't need the external lift of happiness, or whatever. I tend to spend all my time online and doing nsync stuff when I am bored or dislike what's going on around me. Didn't need that this summer - I loved what I was doing, went out often, etc. nsync was just a fun thing, rather than the fun thing. It's a difference, in my mind anyway, and I liked it better this summer.

So. I was watching the pretty puppies, and D was like, "Ick." But I told him I planned to watch some Queer as Folk UK after it, and that it fit the theme. He said his sister had tried to convince him one day that all members of nsync and BSB were straight and I giggled. Couldn't help it. LOL Eh, who knows what they are, but they're touchy-feely boys, and I like that very much. LOL So, I watched them, and hey, person with nonedited version (I got mine off WB) - who does JC smile at so happily in IWYB right after the flips? It was SO CUTE!!!!! LOL It was like the giggly grin in Atlantis during the aquarium shot.

So then I popped in episode one of QaF. Somehow, THAT D would watch with me. And watch he did. <.g> For me, it was slightly awkward, 'cause boys having sex, whch I am fine with when watching alone or with people I know appreciate it. And damn it, I'm still not sure how D swings after that. LOL I havend't had a chance to watch them all summer, so it was my first time. I kept, of course, comparing it to the US version. LOL I kept telling D is was strange to see Stuart so nice, after Brian, which he couldn't believe. LOL But he was! And I liked him, but I liked Brian better. Vince, though, I liked more than I did Michael. And I love Michael, but. Vince! <.g> He's cool. Justin's cuter than Nathan, but both are simply adorable. All in all, I can't wait to keep watching, because it's wonderful, but probably not with D. LOL

So today I slept until 11! It feels great. But it's SO damn disconcerting, because it was still pitch black in here. And that made me want to sleep more. Damn, I can't wait for windows. Barr people said they were almost certain I could move in on Monday. Which would be super cool, I think. But begs the question - what exactly is Justin performing on? VMAs, I thought? But what about the teen choice awards? When are they on? What station? Enquiring minds want to know. <.g> But, yes. Damien is great, honestly. And I've gotten used to living here. But I want my own happy place! Where I can watch QaF, and then other nsync videos, because I'll have them, and yes. All good, and worth trading a 1 minute walk to work for a 13.

So, plans for today? Fun, baby! Sims, putting together the scenes I've written in my underage!Timbertrick, possibly saving all of my webpages in case I have to move (probably something to think about do anyway. LOL), maybe watch Breakfast at Tiffany's with D, going to bed early. ::nods:: Yes. Fun.

Oh, but first - last night I opened my Real Jukebox so I could hear Justin's song again. And a note popped up that there had been an error, and did I want to reset my settings to the last time? If that ever happens to you, say YES. I said no, completely confused and all my MP3s disappeared. I imported them again in minutes, it wasn't a big deal, but there are repeats and they are all out of my order and it makes me want to cry. <.sigh> I LIKED my old order. It was the order I downloadde them in, and you could tell my mood/interests then, and that made it easier to listen to a bunch I wanted to. And I hate change. And this is all changed. Which SUCKS.

So. Back to listening to the OTL soundtrack and off to have fun!

Posted by Rina at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I just downloaded Justin's first solo single! ::claps:: It's not bad. I like his voice. The song reminds me a bit of Slave 4 U, but it was produced by the same people (Neptunes). Damien thinks I'm nuts, because I got a little too excited and bouncy during the 45 minute downloading trial. (His internet is VERY slow today.) But I downloaded it, listened to it a few times, and kinda like it. I'm sure I'll get the whole album, and Kate, you'll tape his performance Monday, right? Even if I'm in our place, I won't have cable yet, and D doesn't either. Jennie's already gonna let me listen on her phone, but I wanna see him. 'Cause you know he's gonna be pretty. <.g>

So. Justin! LOL If anyone wants to hear it and can't find it anywhere, let me know and I'll upload. : )

Posted by Rina at 08:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Whooo, updated my sidebar! Got a new quote, and three new songs for you all to download. <.g> Let me know what you think of them. I was gonna add Karey, too, but I lost the link! Resend, please? : )

Work was good, but so very tiring. I'm exhausted. From sitting and binding for 7.5 hours. Which, I know, is what I said I wanted to do today. Well. Be careful of what you wish for, and all that jazz. LOL My palm is one big bruise, as are several of my fingers, and my wrist aches something fierce. And I'll probably end up doing it all over again tomorrow. <.sigh>

Oh, and JC's birthday party? With the cake and doll? Surprise party, man. LOL I'm thinking he was probably pretty surprised, all right. <.g> I have to say, I'm kinda scared to think about it, but the doll is getting my curiosity piqued. LOL

URGH! My sounds keep going away! Drives me batty. I like having sounds. Lance, with a healthy dash of Mulder, talking to me keeps me happy, and they've left me now. : ( (edit - aha! Kazaa was running a stupid ad. Lance is back. : )

Mom's been at the hospital since 11am. Po's been mostly sleeping since yesterday. Grammy's been resting in bed with him the entire time, she doesn't go home anymore.

I think I'm going to go download some Elvis songs.

Posted by Rina at 06:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Caption from a pic of JC and Justin at JC's birthday party in LA: Justin Timberlake raised a glass - and an eyebrow- to his fellow nsyncer JC Chasez at Chasez's 26th birthday blowout in Beverly Hills. Unlike their music, though, the party-which featured a suggestively decorated cake and an inflatable doll-wasn't suited for young audiences.

Um. LOL Sounds interesting. LOL

GAH running late! I got up 10 minutes early and am now 10 inutes late. Need time for breakfast! Good thing it's mostly ready in the fridge. Dashing!

Posted by Rina at 08:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

BLUE belongs to the Planet Venus, the giver of Love, devotion and harmony. Its stone is the Amethyst, the super-sacred of the seven jewels. Pale blue in the aura represents devotion, while dark blue shows fanaticism.

© What's your Inner Goddess Color?? © Jen

Posted by Rina at 10:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Which Nsync Jewelry are You?Quiz byTara

what britney spears video are you?
(brought you by april)

Posted by Rina at 07:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Well, work was better today. Only copied all morning, then I bound all afternoon. It was fun. They had to remind me that I could go home. LOL

Po is now completely disconnected from everything. He had been receiving a bit of liquids so that he didn't dehydrate, but he's done with that now.

s-d refuses to stay up. And I can't seem to access my s-d mail 90% of the time, which pisses me off. I gave Dominic both my s-d and l-p addies, 'cause he wanted to keep in touch with me, and I warned him that s-d didn't always work, but STILL! Grrr.

Also, can't sign on to AOL for the life of me. ::blinks:: I used to be able to. I told it to look for a new way, it found the LAN thing, I made that my home, clicked "sign on" and it tried to dial up. But of course there was no dialtone, because, hello, ethernet! I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It always worked before, I thought!

Gotta write an artcile about the last Sibshop today. Like, now. Really. Dude, it's my name in PRINT. How can I not be jumping right on this? Huh. Oh, well. It'll be done and sent by the time I go to bed tonight. It has to be. I have a RD done, but it sucks. But it's something.

Posted by Rina at 07:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Man, have these last five days been long. Po in the hospital, me in the ER, saying goodbye to kidlets, moving, lack of internet since Saturday, first day at work today.

So, where to start? The beginning, I guess.

Thursday:
After work, Dad drove me to the hospital to visit Po. I got there at 7. We were just starting to slip into things past chit-chat when my Great-Aunt Karen and her son Johnny came in. Aunt karen comes to pick up Grammy, her sister, ever day. This time, Johnny tagged along. Now, I understand that Johnny is going through hard times. his ex-wife is being v. uncooperative about custody and everything. But everyone knew Thursday was my day to visit and say goodbye. And he spent my ENTIRE FUCKING visit talking about poor little him. I was extremely pissed. I only got one minute to say goodbye, and it was IN FRONT OF THEM! They didn't even give me that time. Mad mad mad.

Friday:
Leaving the kids was hard. Dominic and I took them to the park, where we played with a ferret and D and I talked for the entire 2 hours straight. I miss him. : ( We watched a movie when we got back - Hook - but some of the kids were too scared to watch. So I colored in the other room with them. I made a cute little pictureof a girl (me) on a castle roof, and a little prince (Dominic, perhaps? LOL) walking up. There was lots of fireworks and it said "Some day my prince will come." It went over very well with the kids, esp C who asked if she could draw the exact same picture. <.g> I left it there, okay, I guess, kinda for D, but really for anyone who wants it. Like D. LOL Also dew other pics, some for the kids, one a sunset that I kept. Kinda looked like a fried egg but the girl who insisted I draw it it said it looked lovely. <.g> So, I said goodbye at 5, and one little girl came running after me when I was on the stairs. She launched herself and my legs and burst into tears, sobbing that she didn't want me to go. Broke my HEART, let me tell you. : ( My sweetie.

So, got home. Mom said the priest had been over at Grammy and Po's. Po'd been discharged at 11 that morning, which is when he got his morphine. The hospice worker (YES, hospice...grammy forgave mom and realized she'd been right) was supposed to be there early, but she never showed up. Grammy wanted to see us, even though Po said no. So mom and I said hell with it and went. We got there at 7. He still hadn't had morphine or his fat/glucose and was in horrible pain. So I did what Rinas do best - babble. I told him all about my kids and showed him the pictures they had drawn for me that day, and the sunset I had colored, and anything else that came to mind. While I was doing that, and trying my best to keep him connected and not focused on the pain, plans were being made to bring him to the hospital.

Po didn't want to go in an abulance, nor did Grammy want him to. They tend to bungle things. So mom, Uncle Marty and Uncle Bobby (with some assistance from me) did a three man carry and carried him to our minivan. (He can't bear any weight.) We opened the windows, turned on the oldies station, and sang along at the top of our lungs. The first sng, that Do-wah-ditty ditty-dum-ditty-do song was the first one, which funnily enough is the song that Po always sang to grammy.

So, we get to the hospital, aunt Margaret and Uncle Marty following with Grammy. We have to wait in the ER for the direct admit paperwork to be filled out and only one person can be with him there, so it was me. More with the babble. It was 8 exactly when we got there. At 8:45, we went up to his room. Same damned room and bed he was in that morning! LOL

So, we get Po into his room, and he, grammy and the hospice worker huddle while mom, uncle marty, aunt maragaret and I stand in the hall. See, to enter hospice, you have to hear about it, accept it, say the words, and do paperwork. So while they talked, we talked and laughed in the hall, comparing experiences from the ER/gettin him checked in. 'Cause I'd heard people on my end talking to people on their end, and vice versa, so we each knew half of the players. Amazing how comical some things can seem.

Po agrees to hospice, gets his morphine, it's 9pm and time for paperwork. Grammy goes to do that while the rest of us go into Po's room and talk and reminisce and all that jazz. He didn't contribute much, but he listened and smiled. By 10, I go and see what's taking so long with the paperwork. Mom and Aunt M soon follow. By 12:30, it's done. 3.5 hours of paperwork to die. It was long and hard and the interview told me more than I wanted to know about what it was like with Po. He signed a DNR, everything. We said our goodbyes, I gave him my sunset, we left at 1:15, and were home by 2am. I feel there was something else of importance that happened, but I don't remember now.

Saturday:
Oh, yeah, here's one thing. LOL I woke up on Friday with a bug bite on my middle right finger. It swelled all day, until at about 11pm when I had to take my ring off because it didn't fit anymore. It kept swelling all day Saturday as I tried to finish packing. By 7, I had to go to the ER because it was red, hot, puffy, swollen, and there were red streaks heading up my finger and down toward my wrist. Infection/allergic reaction. It was fun trying to find an antibiotic that I hadn't already had a reaction to. But we did! And then we drove to 3 Walgreens' before we found one that had a 24 hour pharmacy. LOL

Sunday:
Moved out. We left at 10, after 30 minutes of frantic (and unsuccessful searching) for my debit card. <.sigh> Started things off lousy. Got more and more nervous the closer we got. Got there, found Damien, brought my stuff in, went out to lunch and shopping. Mom and dad like him, which is good. It's a small place. Dark place. ONe window, which is mostly always covered with blinds since it leads to a walkway. He insisted I have his room and he'd take the couch, so here I am. My computer is set up on his dresser. My back hurts. LOL But I called Jennie and we talked for two hours, and that made me happy.

Monday:
Woke up at 9, ran errands. Got back before Damien even woke up. Tripped over many things in the dark. Got an ethernet card because I had switched out the wrong card in May. Tried to install it. Didn't work. Tried for 7 hours. D was late for work. Called tech support. Said bad card. I cried. Played Sims - Joey and Lance had a baby. It was a boy...I was SO surprised, I couldn't think of a name!! but I know what happens when they don't get named fast enough, so I typed in Scott, for Sherwood. Then realized that it was also a JC name. ::bangs head:: Whoops. Oh, well. Scott Bass is a little boy now. Total geek. We're working on it. Chris and Justin went downtown and had sex in a changing booth after Justin tried on red silk pjs.

Today:
Worked from 9-5. 30 minute break, got new e-card. Did copies the entire freaking day. Maybe that's also why my back hurts. LOL Put in the new card, didn't work, nearly cried. Told D he had to do it. He did. I won't say how, because I will cry if I do. LOL It was...yeah. I'm an idiot. But it had been saying that ALL SUMMER, really! So, yeah. I'm online. Well, not right now. Because even though D and I have a hub that I bought, we can't be online through it at the same time. That pisses me off. The IP address conflicts with the hardware, or something. We have to fix it. I can only get a connection directly, not through the hub.

But. While he was working, mom called. Po wants to stay in the hospital. His son came to visit today. His son and Grammy held hands told Po they loved him, and that it was time to go. It was okay. Po told both of them his goodbye. So I called. And he told me goodbye, too. A real one. Said I was the most special thing in his life. He didn't sound good. Grammy was lying in bed with him, holding the phone up for him. But I think he'll hold on until the 15th. He's a very big Elvis fan, you know.

Posted by Rina at 08:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So. My grandmother is talking to my mother again. All is well there. That's the good news.

My grandfather is going to die soon. That's the bad. I've been saying that for a long time, I realize. And he could bounce back from this. For maybe a week. He can't process any feed anymore. his liver is shutting down and the toxins are releasing and killing him. His heart is giving up. He's being discharged from the hospital tomorrow, with three days of nutritional things - not feed, but like glucose and morphine for the IV. Then he's going to die.

Grammy told mom she thinks it'll happen tonight. When he's all alone, she thinks he thinks it'll be better that way. He could have been discharged today, but he said no, he felt safer in the hospital. So he stayed. And grammy thinks this is it.

I talked to him today. He wants to see me on Saturday, he said. Me, mom and Josh. Was very happy that I've been so happy this summer. Couldn't wait to see pics and hear stories about my kidlets. I didn't really get a good good bye or an I love you before he had to pass the phone to my grandmother, but maybe those things don't need to be SAID, because God knows they're felt on both sides.

He requested no wake or funeral. Straight to the crematorium. We think it's so his kids and ex-wife don't hassel grammy. They've all not gotten along well since he married my grandmother. Cindy, his daughter, still refuses to talk to him ever. Bobby, his son, has done a little bit and saw him over Easter. But it's still very strained. Mom thinks it's a slap in the face to them, and it probably is, but it's his decision.

So, yes. Here we are. August 7 (happy birthday, David Duchovny), my grandfather is most likely going to die, and I have to move down to school on Sunday. I'm losing my kids, my best job ever, my Dominic (who gave me another nickname today, but also went out on a date tonight. Bastard ; ), and my grandfather. In just, like, three days.

I am SO tired. I was going to go to bed early tonight. I signed off line at 9, read for an hour, and was about to get into bed before 10 when the phone rang and it was my uncle. Mom asked me to keep an ear out for Josh. I did. She wasn't up again by 11, I went down for a snack (bad me), and she was talking to grammy. Then she called me down and told me. And now I'm so tired, but afraid to sleep. Not afraid. Just...wary. Maybe. I don't know.

I had this dream a few nights ago where Po died. We were talking, I went to go get him something, and when I came back, he was dead. Sounds sad, but it wasn't. Actually, what I had when I came back was a baby, a boy I named Robert after him. So it was a happy dream, even though he was gone. I don't usually remember my dreams so clearly for so long, but this one I do. Life's going to go on, I guess. Everything will carry on. It's just so sad now.

Mom keeps bugging me to go to bed. I should. I'm going to be a wreck in the morning. But I might as well stay up the next 13 minutes and wish JC a happy birthday. Got nothing better to do. It's a happy. A ridiculous happy, but hey, you take what you can get, right? : )

Posted by Rina at 11:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)