December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, and Happy Hanukah! We had a very quiet day and dad had to wake me and Josh up at 9 because they were getting impatient. *giggle* We opened presents and heated up the coffee cake and breakfast casserole that mom and I made last night, and played with toys. Heeee!

Joshy loves his new Cube games, especially NBA Courtside, which he asked for all last night. It was cute. Dad is way into his new DVDs. Mom hasn't taken off her necklace yet. And ooh, I got such cute things!! I love my new pink messenger bag. Finally, a purse where I don't have to choose what book to bring based on the tiny space available! I also got a gorgeous Irish sweater, fleece jacket, Mickey tshirt, Thomas Kinkade paint by numbers set and a bio of Abraham Lincoln. And PSPx for Winnie! I'm way excited. I also got scented pens and a bracelet in my stocking. So pretty.

So, quiet day. I stayed up by the tree on Winnie, while everyone else scattered. I read Yuletide fics and sesa fics and played with PSP. All in all, a quiet, relaxing, fun day. A good Christmas.

Now to find some leftover Chinese to nibble on, with mom's homemade ginger ale. Happy Holidays, everyone!!

August 13, 2005

jump to the front and back, ooh ooh ahh ahh, ooh ooh ahh ahh

So mom and I took Josh to the Wiggles today. Seriously, it was so cute. We all had fun. It was great being at a concert where the general noise level allowed you to hear what was going on on stage. The guys really seemed to have a sense of humor - there were a few times where they'd be cracking each other up on stage. So fun. I liked when they tried to tell a "sleeping" Jeff that he was going to wake up, dance around the second tier and sing like Rod Stewart, while Jeff is laughing hysterically and shaking his head no. "I think Jeff is sleep laughing! Must be a very funny dream." The highlight for mom was when Murray was showing the kids how to put on their pretend guitars to play, and started playing Stairway to Heaven, to the appreciative cheers of the parental audience. LOL We were getting worried that they weren't going to play Josh's favorite song, Quack Quack, but then they came through - in spades! They played it through as meant to be done, then Murray got Capt Feathersword (who was laughing quite a bit during this) to perform it in the vocal stylings of Mick Jagger (complete with strutting), Metallica (headbanging, words changed to fit one of their songs), and Enrique Iglesias ("I can be your quacker, darling," with the lights low and people swaying with their Wiggle lights and cell phones), to name a few. I missed the others, sadly, because I was giving roses for Dorothy.

Sometimes it's best to just not know what I'm talking about.

But really, super cute and fun and they were silly and sweet and obviously having a great time up there. And down - they got into the audience a lot, singing with the kids and getting pictures taken. Sweet.

Then we got home, getting ready to relax and read the papers. Open up the local paper - dude, there was an article written about me. She had interviewed me, I thought as part of the feature article on Mom's Zoo Day, but no. I got my own litte column. And she paraphrased in ways to make me sound intelligent! If I can find it online at their site, I'll post a link. It's about the work I've done with my sibling playshops.

How sad is it that I now I want to download Wiggles songs? Dude, Hot Potato is just freaking fun.

May 02, 2005

Cute kid story #89349

So, every Monday night, Josh comes in my room, sits at my computer, and plays my iTunes. This is a variant of a several year tradition where he came in to watch videos once a week. Sure, he has his own iTunes downstairs, but I have lots and different music from him. (He's really grown to love Chris Isaak and Remember WENN songs.)

So, tonight, I notice that he's playing a song I'm not quite familiar with owning. I go to investigate.

Josh purchased not one but TWO Sharon, Lois and Bram CDs. Plus an extra song. !!! I cannot believe it. Dork! LOL So that's $17 directly out of my checking account tonight. LOL But really, mom and I were laughing so hard - bit of shock, surprise and a little proud he figured out how to do it - I could barely tell him to please, please never do that again. <.g>

Princess Diaries is on Disney tonight. Such a cute movie. Although I like the second one better. <.g> Cute boy who loves to read. Gotta love it.

I've been on a major music kick lately. Newest song on near constant repeat - Reflecting Light, Sam Phillips. I think I may sample a few more of her songs and buy and album.

January 31, 2005


I promised a vacation write up, and here it is! 5 webalbums plus diary entries.

Our Family Vacation


January 13, 2005

On the Road Again!!

This is it! t-10.5 hours until we hit the road. First stop, Nashville, TN. Then off to Panama City FL (3 days), Orlando (5 days), Hilton Head (2 days), Atlanta (2 days) and Memphis (2 days)! We shall be back late on January 29. I probably won't be able to update while we're gone, but I fully intend to do a detailed summary after.

Almost everything is packed now. Just a few morning extras to go - teddy bear and mask, toiletries, cell and charger. And Sims 2, since I may sneak in a few minutes of game play tonight. <.g> (I have it installed on my parents laptop, but I don't bother transferring so it's all new/different.)

I, myself, have three bags. Eeep! One suitcase of all my clothes, one backpack of shoes and misc things and my "carry on" backpack with things to do in the car and hotel. 5 books, 3 notebooks, 3 DVDs, Sims 2 and my iPod. Should be more than enough, which is what I like.

I went to my first Brownies meeting tonight. TOTAL CHAOS! Oy. And my girl's meds aren't quite working out for her. Then!

I took her and her friend A. We park and as we walk up, A says, "Oooh, ice!" and glides across as I warn her to be careful. She is grace itself and does fine. After, we're walking back to the car. All of a sudden, BOOM! I find myself on the cold hard asphalt. I'm just registering an OW when I feel a whoosh beside me. Yes, C has fallen just about right next to me. I'm immediately asking if she's okay and telling A to stop as she says, "Ooooh, ice!" and tries to skate across it again and letting her other friend's mom help us up all at the same painful time. Bottom line, C's fine, I'm sore and we are Klutzes. Her mom was so amused.

Yesterday, it hit 65, a record high. Today is snowed. I had to clean my car off after two hours at work. I got home at 3:30 and by 6:10 when I left to get the girls, ALL of my doors had frozen shut!! The windchill now is 8. Tomorrow morning when we leave, they're predicting the actual temp will be about 0. ::whimper::

Checking the weather - tomorrow and Saturday (it's just an overnight stop) it will be about 40. 60s while we're in Panama City. Can't tell the others yet, but it seems to be 70s in Orlando.


See you all on the flip side!!!

January 02, 2005

Happy 2005!

On NYE, my family and I watched The Princess Diaries 2. Oh, with the cuteness! I was all grumpy all afternoon and it lifted me right up. I kinda crushed on Nicholas, what with the wit and books, but then he wore glasses and I was gone. <.g> But it was sweet and cute and fluffy fun and I greatly enjoyed it.

In the tradition of "what you do at midnight is what you do all year," I was smiling, chatting with friends and writing. (The same story I was writing the last two years at midnight. Perhaps I should try another story next year.)

Then it went downhill after I was awoken at 8:30 by my father, telling me mom was sick. She, hermit of the world, managed to contract influenza. You can imagine how happy she is. Poor thing is just sleeping constantly, and is just a mess. : ( I hope she feels better soon.

So this weekend, I did a lot with Josh and around the house. We got Christmas and winter stuff down. Tomorrow I start work at the pm place, so I'll be working all day again. I'm nervous about it all. I hope I get back into the groove of working with kids again.

Last week, my girl from last year came over. (Three times I saw her over Christmas break! LOL) She's so funny. She went around saying, "Josh is a big kid. Josh is a freshman in high school. Josh is a BIG kid. C is a medium kid." A medium kid! She cracks me up. Too cute.

I am fully exhausted and I really must get to bed early. (Perhaps not THIS early, but certainly before 10.) So, I wish you all a happy and healthy 2005. {{HUGS}}

October 12, 2004

crazy? crazy!

Last Monday, I left the speech program. Have I mentioned that? I'm pretty happy with my decision. No regrets. I have a job interview tomorrow morning - aide, small raise, benefits and travel money. Oh, I hope hope hope I get it. I can't believe bosslady from last year hasn't called me back - she had an opening and promised to call me the next day. It's been a WEEK. That's just rude.

So did I ever mention that dad has second degree burns on his knees? Because he does. And he went to the doctor today and found out he can't go to work for 2-3 weeks. *blink* Holy crap. (Sunday, we were cleaning out the pool with a bleach/water mixture. There was too much bleach, dad knelt in it for an extended period of time, it's not of the good.)

Jennie and I watched her first Gilmore Girls episode today. (Only took me 31 minutes of quoting the show to get her hooked. Within 17 minutes of watching, she was setting her VCR for the next ep. Hee! New record for me.) Lorelai was pleased that Luke looked at her as if she was going to give him a lap dance. We only wish.

I am so exhausted. I tried to go to bed at 9:30 last night, but Josh kept me up until at least 11 and then I woke up several times in the night. Gah! I need a good night's sleep! I'm in a fog lately.

I've been so set on Gilmore Girls lately, I haven't played Sims in awhile. <.g> I created Lorelai and Rory last time, but never did a Luke. I may need to start L&R over again to rectify. But there's no flannel for guys, only for teens. : ( (And no, flannel under overalls doesn't count. Ick. <.g>) I need to download more clothes. I hope someone has taken the teen clothes and made them for adults - teens have such cute clothes, and at least some of it is appropriate for adults, too! V. annoying.

September 24, 2004

family time

I blocked the IPs of the annoying comment spammers. Blissful quiet!

Last Thursday, I went out to dinner with my parents - just my parents - for the first time in five years. It was, I think, the second time in nearly 16 years. See, one of us has always had to be home with Josh. So mom and dad have gone out to eat, and dad and I have, but mom and I never and the three of us only on my 18th birthday before we saw Titanic the musical. But! Now Josh has a respite worker who comes a few times a month. And so I get to spend time with my parents.

Today, Megan came to stay with Josh and mom and I went shopping for two hours!! We hit the Gap (I got an adorable brown print skirt that is totally 1940s, with three cute clingy tops and the So Pink body spray which I LOVE, mom got a pair of pants, and Josh got two sweaters), browsed several stores, got some lunch, and bought me the cutest stationery in the world that was also fairly expensive EEEEK. LOL But wow, it was so much fun! We haven't done that in over 10 years - we used to take an hour or two to go Christmas shopping when I was in junior high, but mom was always super anxious to get home and so it was never really fun. Just lots of running and dragging. But this, this was so cool.

Then tonight, the three of us went out to dinner (PIE!) while Josh was at social club. It's so weird spending time with them. LOL But weird in a good way. It's fun.

September 18, 2004

Joshy news

So it turns out Josh had kidney stones - the blood was from passing one, plus he has another in his right kidney. So more tests on Monday, plus CT scans every three months to check on this one. If it's 4mm, it has to be surgically/laser removed, and his is 3mm. So they need to keep an eye on it.

Either he has a metabolic disorder or it's due to the many, many supllements mom's been giving him. Also, he may have had more before and we just never knew. He wouldn't know how or what to tell us about blood or pain, you know? So things to think about.

But, yay, a not-too-serious diagnosis!

September 12, 2004


So mom woke me up this morning, telling me Josh had just peed blood. So they've been to the hospital and now are at Josh's doctor's office.

I hate not knowing! I hate waiting. I'm so impatient. And scattered. And I really wish they would call very soon.

Cross your fingers that everthing is as okay as it can be.

eta: okay, they just called. Back to the hospital for a lot of blood tests and to schedule an ultrasound. He's throwing blood, protein and white blood cells into his urine.

August 18, 2004

my guy

Well, couldn't let today go without a post. Two years ago, my Po died. I remember it all still pretty clearly - it was early, had just gotten out of Damien's bed and my cell rang. And I knew exactly what the call would be. I remember telling MA, posting here, seeing a lucy!fic, being late to work, walking to work in the rain. All of it.

I was cleaning out my closet today and found old old pics of me and Po, from when I was just a little toddler. He had the hugest smile on his face. I also found his old caps. When he came to visit, he'd always tease me and put his hat on my head.

What I wrote here two years ago ended up being his euology. I think it's one of the best things I've ever written. But then again, I had a great subject.

Love you, Po. Miss you a lot. Hope you're having a good time up there with your parents, Elvis, and good food. {{HUGS}}

Continue reading "my guy" »

April 11, 2004

hippity hoppity

Happy Easter! It was a quiet day. Quiet weekend, actually.

Last Friday night, my dad started experiencing blurry vision in his right eye, along with double vision there and a droopy eye. Spent the day at various doctors on Saturday, did an MRI on Monday. That ruled out aneurysms, a stroke, or a tumor. Except the doctor on Wednesday disagreed, said it *was an aneurisym, and sent us to another doctor. Who did more tests, including an angiogram, this past Friday and determined that it was a virus that caused dad's third cranial nerve palsy.

But in between we thought it was an aneursym and were pretty freaked out, because have you ever researched one? It isn't pretty. And the more I talked about it, the more real it seemed, so I said nothing here.

So as a result, we're all fully exhausted and no grandmothers descended upon our house today.

Last night, I colored eggs. Yes, all my byself. Because last year, mom helped and there was an oops she made. It oopsed right onto the carpet. <.giggle>

And then this morning, there was Peeps!! I love me some Peeps. And then I ate Josh's peeps. And his chocolate marshmallow bunny. (In my defense, I asked first. And only after he expressed his dislike for both treats. <.g>) And, of course, there was the Easter staple of Lamb Cake. Yummmmmmmmm!

Researching Photo Impact for a birthday present. Does anyone use it? I love PSP8's background removal thing, and I love Photo Impact in general. Decisions, decisions.

I love it here. I wish I was back in the habit of posting. I don't know how to do that, though. <.sigh> Well, what's nice is that it's always here for me to come back to.

March 03, 2004


Lady K fixed me. : ) She's so smart and wonderful, and yay! Because now that I don't have to worry about the blog, I get to worry about Josh.

So, last year near the end of February, Josh's right knee dislocated severely enough and soon enough after the last time that we scheduled him for reconstructive surgery on March 17 and when we went to the Dells, his knee was immobilized.

Today, Josh's right knee, the one fixed last year, subluxed. Basically, it dislocated and went back in. We think that he hurt it a few weeks ago at bowling, as it's been periodically sore since then.

Now, he is in pain and his knee will be immobilized for the next two weeks (including this weekend at the Dells). If it doesn't heal itself with the immobilization and less pressure, he needs more surgery.

Mom's devastated. And in a bit of denial. I thought I was doing okay until I almost started crying when I told the teacher I work with. Josh can't go outside. He can't ride his horse or bowl. He can't go up the stairs to his bedroom. He can't eat at the kitchen table. He's stuck in the lower level and guest bedroom for at least two weeks. Mom is stuck with him.

I'm so upset. My baby boy. : ( I'm so worried.

February 19, 2004

my boy!

Joshy started bowling last week. I couldn't go then, but I went today. Eeeeeeeee! He's so cute! He almost literally did not stop giggling the entire time. He was so excited to be there, and hanging out with boys his own age and having fun. And he did good, too. Bowled a 66 and 88, I think, and picked up several spares. I certainly couldn't do better. LOL! Made me smile an awful lot. And he did it all himself, after telling mom and I to go away. <.g> So proud!!

Not much else going on. Same old at work. I *heart* my wee kidlet, and she makes me smile. It balances the other things. LOL

I'm feeling the need to wear something cute and sexy. ::glances down at pink pj top and blue track pants:: Uh, ain't going to be tonight, I guess. LOL It's weird. As much as someone from work makes me doubt that I'm *breathing right, I think my confidence level has actually gone up this year. The teacher I work with said the same thing. Which is neat.

5 days until JC's album. It leaked today. I swear, if I didn't have dialup, I'd have this puppy on my computer and burned to disc right now. I'd still buy a copy or two on Tuesday (and you should too! Because who doesn't like fun and varied music about sex?), but yeah. I waaaaaaaaaant. <.g> But I'm being strong! Resisting.....the pretty.....and.....the amusing sex lyrics.....

December 24, 2003

santa baby

Is everyone tracking Santa? <.g> As of 10:21 ct, he's in the north Atlantic, near Newfoundland.

Sesas went live today. Yay for 160 new stories to read! I have one piece of feedback so far, which is neat. I utterly adore the one written for me, too. Heee! Love and friendship and snow. Perfect.

We decorated the tree today. Daddy came home early, so we did it after GH. (Which rocked, IMO. Neat twist with Luke and Bobbie's past!) Two pics of the big tree and one of my bitty American Girl tree below.

Well, the Nutcracker is playing, so I should probably get to sleep. (It's my tradition to listen to it every Christmas eve. I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow, whether it be celebrating Christmas or not. : )

Continue reading "santa baby" »

November 28, 2003


My baby boy is 15 today! I can't believe my little brother is that old. LOL We went to the circus today, as we did last year on the day after Thanksgiving for his birthday. It was so fun!!!! I'll try and upload some pics. I took, like, 100. Literally. LOL

Thanksgiving was actually pretty good yesterday. I escaped most of the grandma's visit, as Josh watched videos in my room and I certainly wouldn't let him in here alone. <.g> And then after they were all gone, dad asked if I wanted to go through everything and have him adopt me. He was so cute, said he'd been afraid to ask all day in case I said no. As if! I think it's going to be great. Of course, that would likely require me dropping the portion of my last name that I've used online for 8 years. I'll need a new online last name, I guess. And wow. Then my name will actually fit onto forms!!! That's never happened before. (My last name is hyphenated.)

We started decorating for christmas today. It was 30 degrees and snowing. We couldn't have started this past week, when it was in the 60s. Oh, no. Not us. <.g> But it's looking great so far, and I can't wait for more!! We found my American Girl tree that I've had at school the last four years. I can't imagine not having it up, so it'll go in my room. First time ever Kate won't help decorate. Kind of weird, losing a four year tradition. <.g>

I have Word open in order to write my SeSa story. I'm doing a takeoff on A Christmas Carol - Chris fears JC is slowly leaving him, too busy with his work. So he decides to do something about it. JC comes home for Xmas, and goes through all the dreams, which ends in him realizing that he's ignoring Chris, which sucks. And he's all loving then. Turns out Chris recorded a copy of him performing the story and left it under the pillow, which is why JC dreamed it- it's what he was hearing. And it's got to be not angsty, and a little fluffy. So, you know, wish me luck. Because I haven't started yet. <.g>

November 11, 2003


My mom was on Oprah!! She and her friend Liz went to a taping last Thursday, and it aired today. In the last two minutes, right after they showed the pic of Ty Pennington's new book, it morphs to a crowd shot. And she's not one of the two main ladies they show, but she's clearly scene between their two heads sitting a few rows back. Eeeeee! My mama was on TV!!!! <.g> We were so excited.

*Finally got through to KIIS FM in LA to vote for JC. Now my conscience can relax. I don't even like the song, and I can't be bothered to stay awake and listen to his interview, but by golly, I have to support him somehow. <.g>

Joey, though. Now HIS song I like. He's in a new movie, The Cooler, with William H. Macy and Alec Baldwin, playing a lounge singer, and he has a song on the soundtrack! It's all jazzy and loungey and amusing, and his voice just thrills me. I don't even have to understand/like the words. Just the sound is enough.

My kid is so freaking adorable. She was so happy today, silly and giggling all the time. Like when I stand up, and she immediately slides over into my seat. (Mine is all cool, with wheels and it spins. <.g>) Or when we walk down the hallway, and she loops her arm through mine and giggles. I don't think I'm supposed to be having this much fun at work. <.g> But she makes me smile so much! Even when I want to whack her upside the head and MAKE her focus, she has this tendency to do something that just cracks me up. And she delights in the fact she can make me laugh. <.g>

I'm reading a book called Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal. It may sound a little blasphemous, but I don't think it is. It is, however, wickedly funny and loving and makes you think. And it's exactly what the title says - Biff is writing about his life as Christ's (Joshua in this book - Jesus is the Greek version of the Jewish Joshua) best friend, from when they were 6 until the Crucification, since the Bible left out the first 30 years of His life. <.g> I think you can read a few pages at Amazon. I recommend it.

(For example: [T]heorigin of the Easter Bunny is explained as a drunken Josh gushes his affection for bunnies, declaring, "Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around." As always with satire, it's funny to some, blasphemous to others, take your pick. <.g>)

October 05, 2003


Josh has had a great weekend! Yesterday, he played soccer, scored a goal, and got his ribbon. Today, he was in a horse show, and got first place in his division!! It was so cool to see. I'm so proud of him.

And, funnily enough, my kid from school was at both events. LOL Yesterday, she saw me the minute she got out of the car, called for me, and ran over. <.g> And then today, she just stuck with me, and was just generally adorable. I love that we connected so well. Her parents like that, too. <.g> Kinda funny, though, that we're going to end up seeing each other 12 days straight now. No break for us! <.g>

Josh and I are both listening to Christmas music. I think it's perhaps a family trait.

I'm looking for new bedclothes. I've never liked my blue diamonds I've had for years, even after an episode of XF showed Scully had the same set. It's ugly. <.g> I'm looking for a patchwork quilt, with blue and pink, with minimal yellow and green, and no flowers. I'm telling you, no such quilt exists. It's highly annoying. My poor father, though. Kept trying to show me different quilts, finally gave up, saying something about how he ended up with a girl who didn't like clothes shopping or flowers. I guess I'm a bit of an odd chica. <.g> But I have not given up - next stop, Kmart, for the Martha Stewart collection.

I think I'd like to participate in the Boobiethon, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Do I send a picture only if I donate? One, the other, or both? Help? <.g>

WHOOOO! Home run for the Cubbies!!!!! 4-0, now. I'm so excited. Go, Cubbies!!!!

August 18, 2003

my guy

So, it's been a year. One full year since my Po died.

A lot has happened since I posted what became his eulogy. Some good, some bad, some in between.

I miss him a lot. He was a great guy, and I loved him. He adored me right back. We were a good pair.

Geez, I just don't know what to say. But I have to say something, becuase this day cannot go past unmarked. It's weird how clearly and vividly I still remember everything that happened last year. Damien's apartment. Talking to Po for the last time. The last time I saw Po, when we checked him into hospice. Working in that hellhole, even the day he died. How everything just seemed to go on, without regards to the man who was no longer with us. I remember it all like I'm there now, but it feels so far away. Like he's always been gone.

Maybe that's a good thing. He isn't in pain anymore. He was, for a long long time before he died. He's got to be happier now, missing us or not. Maybe it's his way of telling me, us, whoever, that it all ended okay, the way it should have.

Still sucks, though. I want him here. I wanted him at my graduation party. In person, not just spirit. I want him at our family holidays - if I have to suffer through those painful hours of extended family togetherness, by golly I want him there to mock them all with me. Not fair, not fair, not fair.

We had 21 years, and that's pretty cool. Could have gone for 21 more, but I'm pretty small potatoes on the "Let it be so!" list.

Still don't know what I'm saying. Babbling now, really, but how is that different from any time else? I know what I mean, though. And so does Po. And that has to be enough for now.

Po was around for 67 years. It was a good life. Definitely changed mine. And as long as me and my blog are here, no one's going to forget him.

Continue reading "my guy" »

May 11, 2003

Happy Lead Awareness Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mom's who visit! And happy Lead Awareness Day to everyone. <.g>

I had a lovely weekend at home. I saw The Lizzie McGuire Movie on Friday!! Eeeee! LOL With mom, and Josh, and two really cute third year med students. Fabulous, I must say. The boys were just so cute - they went downstairs to play a computer game with Josh and mom and I just about squealed at each other. LOL! Sadly, much to mom's disappointment, no dates. <.g> I fear it might have a bit to do with my comments of, "Hey, Ethan cut his hair!" and "Wait! Margaret who? That was Tudgeman's job!" during and after the movie. <.snicker> In my defense, it's a cute show. Also, they both laughed a lot during the movie. LOL

Saturday I spent shopping. Like, $140. But, Miggie! I got two of your Old Navy outfits you chose for me, and they are adorable. The skirt? Size 8. I want to marry Old Navy. The last purchase was at Nordstrom's, and was the most expensive of all. LOL It's an adorable sleeveless t-shirt, brown/tan tye-die, with an old-timey ad for Buffalo Bill's Wild West Town on it, with red, white and yellow bedazzaly sparkles on it. It's too cute for words. <.g>

And today, I got presents! LOL And so did mom. I got the radio replaced in my car to put in a CD player/radio, now that I'm going to be driving it. ::bounces:: it's SO COOL. I am seriously so excited. I also got two CDs to play in it - AI S2 and Grammys 2003. So much fun!

The coolest present was one mom and I shared, since today is Mother's Day, too. We got matching rings - there are three designs on it. One for strength, one for womanhood, and one for hope of love and happiness in the future. I'm totally going to take a pic and upload tomorrow. They're just gorgeous, and I'm completely in love with mine.

And then we drove for, like, 4 hours in 40mph winds and that was Not Fun. But we survived. <.g>

And now? I am going to watch a great number of nsync music videos, including the lovely ode to Lance and Joey's wonderful gay love at Christmas time one. <.g> Because it's my birthday, and they make me happy. In their gay love. <.snicker>

Anyway, thanks for all of the sweet wishes I came back to over the weekend. And on the off chance my mom does read this, and even if she doesn't - I love you so much! I had a good time this weekend, hysterical freakouts in last night's storm and all, and I couldn't have picked a better mother to have. Sure, you drive me nuts on occasion, but I *know it's a mutual feeling, and it doesn't change a thing. <.g> You rock, mama mia. {{HUGS}}

April 27, 2003

graduation gift

My parents are so funny - unable to keep a secret to save their *lives. Which is why I now know my graduation gift, 3 weeks early. LOL A new computer! Compaq Presario, 120 GB, 512 Ram, XP, DVD and rewritable CD. I am SO excited. 120GB! I'm at 9 now, man. I got this computer for my HS graduation, but, like, a year early. LOL So it's about 4.5 years old now. I can't wait to switch over all my stuff! People who have done this - can I just save my entire Sims folder onto a blank CD and install it that way so I don't lose my games? And does that go for other programs?

In yet another change of plans, I'm going home May 9, and daddy'll drive me back May 11. Joshy's next brace, the hinged one, won't go on until May 14, so it'd be hard to drive him down when his knee is still fully extended. So, keeping the theme of my entire college career going, I get to be in the car on my birthday. LOL At least I'm not 100% moving out on it again. That, my dears, sucks great big hairy donkey balls.

It should work out though. Last day of class is May 7, and my first final isn't until May 13. So, plenty of time. Better we decide this NOW than on, oh, May 8. <.g>

Now, I need to figure out what to get mom for Mother's Day. She informed me that actually, I already bought her something, Josh and I went in it together, and she loves it very much. And since I already know my birthday present (digital camera) and graduation gift (computer), my surprise can be what I got her. Lovely. <.g> Still want to get something else, though.

On page 6/9 now. One page left tonight! Go me!

April 22, 2003

Easter tidings

Hello, hello, my pretties! Back from home. Been back since last night, actually, but didn't have time to write then. <.g>

Weekend was good! Mostly. (Long live the berry-tini.) But we got through it. LOL highlights include:

Going out with Lissa to Oakbrook and Borders and driving us myself. Went great. We won't mention the, uh, incident in the Starbucks' parking lot. No person or vehicle was harmed during the day.

Getting two soap mags and sitting down with mom to call out spoilers. <.g>

Becoming addicted to jolly rancher jellybeans.

Getting graduation announcements mailed out. (Now I just need to *graduate.)

All in all, a fun weekend. Easter was stressy, with two grandmas and a great-grandmother over and not wanting to leave, but like I said, long live the berry-tini. It went a long way to keeping everyone's sanity. (Raspberry vodka and blackberry brandy, if you're curious, with a raspberry and blackberry on top. I added ginger ale to mine.)

It's so weird coming back here after all the noise and stuff of home. So quiet.

Found Buffy and Dawson series finale spoilers if anyone is curious. : )

Tomorrow, must research Queen Hepshutsit (or whatever her name is)'s reign. Wheeeeeee. LOL

April 13, 2003

new family member

My parents are just too cute. <.g> Seriously. So, for my dad's 50th birthday earlier this month, one of his presents was that he could go pick out a new grill. He deliberated long and hard, and finally ordered one.

Mom: (calls dad on cell) The new family member has been delivered. He's in the backyard, and as far as I can see, seems to be playing nice with everyone.
Dad: Does he look more like me or you?
Mom: Oh, definitely takes after you.

<.giggle> So cute, man. So, yes, we have a new grill. Wheee!

April 09, 2003

my boy

My boy is so cool! Mom called me today, put me on speaker phone. Josh had something he wanted to say. A knock-knock joke! It was so cool. He did it *perfectly. No cues from mom, just within the joke! Mom said he had this grin on his face as he said the punchline. I'm so proud of him! He's doing fantastically.

He also told mom he wanted to find egg surprises and have a video in his Easter Basket this year. It's SO cool, because he remembers the routine and everything. Yay for meaning!

He's also starting to put two words together. Blows me AWAY, man. Seriously. I heard him say, "Go," over break, and just, like, melted. He's so proud of himself. And he's getting better every day! His SLP is just awesome these days. Started rough, but so worth it. He's grown leaps and bounds with his vocal speech.

It's just all so exciting!

March 30, 2003

Oh, my God, I'm back again

And here I am, back in my apartment. I miss my family. : (

But fun times abounded! I got my own digital camera. I took pictures of my adorable little squirrel at home (he's SO cute) and plan to make a new design for here using them. Daddy's birthday is Tuesday, so we celebrated last night, and that was fun. I made him a bunch of things from Cafepress, like things with our family portrait on them. He loved them.

I got a pretty new plant, white gardenias. I need to name it and talk to it and play music for it so it doesn't die like my lucky bamboo did. I should probably water it, too.

I was playing at all my nsync sites I've missed the last two weeks, and found a video clip of Lance signing! My heart so filled with love, just watching him sign, "My name is L-A-N-C-E." <.giggle> Laugh all you want, but it really isn't all that common to find people who can sign even a little bit. Add that to JC's idol being Stephen Hawking (among other things, he's an AAC user like my brother is!) and I will never stop loving the pretty boys. Ever. <.g>

Daddy and I went to Outback Steakhouse for his birthday weekend today, and I have SO many leftovers! I think I shall heat up some of them and get ready to study for my make up exam tomorrow. : )

Missed you all!! {{HUGS}}

March 16, 2003

Going, going, gone

My parents like to do this. Change huge amounts of plans in less than 24 hours.

I'm headed home tonight. Daddy'll pick me up at the train station, and I'll go to the hospital bright and early with them tomorrow. Now don't get me wrong - I am glad I'll be there. I've wanted to be there. But. Fact remains, I have an exam Tuesday. And a session Monday. And crap, a driving lesson to cancel for Wednesday. It was a slow week, but stuff was still happening.

So. I e-mailed my prof, hopefully I can take the exam after break. I bought my ticket for Amtrak. I'm about to start packing. For two weeks at home.

Oh, my God, I'm going to go insane. LOL

So I won't be here to babble pointless posts tomorrow. But I would still appreciate your keeping my boy in your thoughts. Gonna be a long day.

March 10, 2003


Mom talked with the doctor today, and Josh's surgery has been scheduled for Monday. This Monday. A week from today. The 17th. So fast, man. But it was now or a month from now, and why put it off?

So, I don't get to be there. I have a meeting and a session on the 17th and an exam on the 18th. And I know that on the day of, it's just sitting and waiting in a waiting room. But it's waiting with my family. And then being able to help out afterwards.

So happy thoughts and/or prayers would be greatly appreciated. We've done this before, with his other knee, but it's still scary.

March 08, 2003

hit me baby, one more time

So. Josh's knee sublexted and he's being put on the surgerical list. Probably for March 24. Madison sent me a letter telling me I didn't get in. That's 2/6 so far. 1/3 rejected.

On the plus side, it's 60 out. Well, now it's 50, but it was 60 about 10-15 minutes ago. And we came up with a super fun and cool dance routine that I can mostly do.

But still.

March 03, 2003

And now I'm back...

...from the Dells! : ) Quick highlights.

*Voted for BMU 9 times on Friday. Endured much mocking.
*Drank Siberian Cream, and loved it muchly. Must remember to call voice mail, where recipe is waiting.
*Cheese curds are very much of the good.

*Stayed sane. (Was v. big accomplishment.)
*Went to Baraboo's Circus World Museum. Enjoyed it greatly. Endured much mocking. Josh's opinion: THE CIRCUS MUSEUM HAD NO CIRCUS. IT WAS JUST POSTERS AND OTHER JUNK. WHAT A RIP OFF. Now own neat t-shirt with tight rope walking girl and a fuzzy purple pen.
*Went to my first casino. Made some money. Lost it all.
*Sibshop went well. Oldest sib was 25. Brought his wife, the "sib-in-law." Was new experience, as Sibshops are technically for 6-13 year olds. Will be prepared next year.
*Drank Blue Hawaiian. Loved it a really lot. Endured mocking.
*Admitted to bartender (who remembered me from the Siberian Cream) that I enjoyed girly drinks, especially those with umbrellas, and my mother is deeply ashamed. Is truth, sadly.

*Sanity hung on by slim, tenuous grip.
*Bought cheese.
*Traveled far too much. (nearly 9 hours. *sob*)
*Ate "Cow pie" from Baraboo. Interesting.
*Came back to monitor on the fritz. Cried.

Today? Daddy drove down to buy me a new monitor. I am the proud owner of a SyncMaster 151 V flat panel monitor. I can see COLORS! And can only apologize for the color scheme here. It will change soon, and thank you for putting up with it. (Dude, you have to TELL me these things! I went around telling people about another site and it's pretty purpleness only to learn today that its actually blue, damn it.)

Saw ALL of Krissy's designs. Was quite excited to realize I can now see black websites. And pictures! And videos! Thank you, SyncMaster! I love you!

February 08, 2003

Joshy Update

Well, Josh was able to take a few steps with the immobilizer on. So that's a good sign. It could go south at any time, but it seems he's going to pull through this once again. I just don't know how many of these free passes he's going to get, though. For now, I just hope that this one lasts until at least the summer.

So, obviously, today wasn't a good day. I admit it, I flipped out. I've been having a bad streak of days for some reason - hormones? weather? season? I don't know, and I don't like it - and this toppled me over, I guess. Kicked me while I was down. So it was a day of doing schoolwork, which was good, but also of curling up on the couch and watching basketball. Which I don't even LIKE, but found myself rather glued to. Some crying, too. But I feel better now. Hopefully I can kick these sucky winter doldrums and get back to normal this week. It helps that my Iggy Koopa is doing okay now. : )

fucking HELL

My brother's knee fucking dislocated again. God damn it all to fucking hell. It went back in easily, so hopefully he won't need surgery this time. It's been 5 1/2 months, man, since this last happened. Please, please please let it get better. Please.

January 27, 2003

my BOY!

I'm just posting this everywhere, but my goodness, I'm dying over here!!! My sweet, silly, creative boy!

Okay, Background: When I was home, I gave Josh two General Hospital tapes. He loves 'em. One broke already, the other will today. Also, Josh uses a communication device, the DynaMyte. He had been hollering up a storm while mom was on the phone, so she took away all his DVDs. Then took her book and the 'myte to read and let Josh calm down.

mom: so he comes over and says I AM READY STOP TO THE HOLLER.
mom: I recognized what he said then resumed reading.
mom: He repeated it.
mom: then he said
mom: Okay baby. Then he kissed me.
mom: Then the pucker.
mom: I gave him his DVD;s.
me: Where the hell did he pick THAT up?! LOL
me: LOL!!!! of course! You had to! LOL
mom: then he says,
mom: then he says LETS NEGOTIATE THIS.

OKAY BABY. Oh, my Lord, that phrase is going to kill me for forever and a day. LOL and LET'S NEGOTIATE THIS! Eeee! My baby is so cute. <.g>

/gushing LOL

December 14, 2002

Must see Movies

I bet you guys are WISHING for the days when I rarely updated. LOL

Tonight, mom and I were talking about movies that we will stop and watch, no matter what. Her list includes Armageddon (which started the convo, since it's on), Godfather 1 and 2, Rudy, Dirty Dancing, Philadelphia, Big, and Ghost. Mine were The Philadelphia Story, Ghost, Dirty Dancing, Sleepless in Seattle, Anne of Green Gables, and The American President. Do you guys have any movies like that? Where you'll be surfing, and you don't really want to watch a movie, but you see it on, and you HAVE to watch?

The tree has been decorated! And pictures were taken. Pretty fun. It's going to be weird not decorating with Kate next year - she's helped ever since freshman year, when I got it! However will I manage the lights? LOL It looks great, though.

I scanned in one of my senior pictures, if anyone care to see what I look like. LOL I don't think they came out badly for planning an outfit half an hour before leaving. My mom was not thrilled. LOL But it's in the extended section.

Read a kickass story today - The Courtship of JC, by taroawen. It's an AU BSB crossover, focused on JC, where they're all summer camp counselors. The amount that I loved this story was very large indeed. Nydia and I spent a lot of the afternoon giggling about. Because it was AU, but so in character! I loved the "Honey, do you love me?" part - I hadn't even thought about that game since junior high. LOL Of course, we played it a lot more innocently - there was no singing of "The Stripper," for instance, nor was there, you know, stripping. <.g> I think Chris needs to come over and play that with me, man. LOL

Oh, and baking? Lucky Charm Treats - not so good. Although I think that was more me than anything. Cocoa Peanut Butter bars with applesauce instead of butter? Fan-freaking-tastic. Let me know if anyone wants the recipe - very yummy, and even healthy! Healthier, anyway. LOL

Continue reading "Must see Movies" »

December 12, 2002

Family sucks: An Essay by Rina

I don't understand my family. And for once, I don't mind my immediate family. I mean the extended one.

Where to start? Let's start with my grandmother. Grammy is hurting. I know she is. I understand that. But she's lashing out at my mother, and I do not stand for that. I am a mama's girl through and through, and proud of it. I guess it's been pretty constant, although mom only tells me highlights. Such as my cousin's engagement party when mom told her how beautiful she looked, and asked how she was doing. Grammy's response? "Well, 95% of the time, I wish I was dead." Lovely thing to say. After the party, she called mom and yelled at her for being "too effusive." How dare people be happy at an engagement celebration? This was also after Rachel asked her mom, Grammy, and Grammy's mom to take a picture with her that night. Grammy got arranged in the pic, but right before we began to snap, Grammy actually got up and LEFT. Rachel was so hurt.

And then we have today. Where Grammy told my mother that she couldn't have a relationship with her anymore. Per her "late husband's wishes," because my mother was not to be trusted. I was furious. I refuse to believe that Po would EVER say or think that. Or that Grammy would use him like that. Just, no. Pisses me off greatly. So of course mom was upset. Then came this bit of news.

My dad's nephew Jay is married. Linda had three kids before the marriage - the boy is 11 and the twin girls are 10. They've since had 3 more kids - a three year old, a two year old, and an infant. They're poor. That's fine. We see them every Christmas so the kids can get presents. Okay. We like kids, we like buying presents for kids.

They're all coming in next Sunday, for dinner. Okay. Little time crunch with me coming home that day, but okay. The kids are fun, you know? Then mom invited them to stay Sunday-Dec. 24. Okay. Verging into less happy, since I only have two weeks of break, and only a few days with my family before Christmas, but okay.

Mom was talking to Linda today, about gift ideas. She and Jay told the kids that Santa Claus wasn't coming this year. The older kids, only. Because they're the ones old enough to expect gifts. She told them that Santa Claus wasn't coming for them because they had been too naughty.

Ten and eleven years old. Being told by their parents that they were too naughty for Santa to come. I want to fucking smack them around, the bastards. You don't TELL kids that. Tell them Santa is leaving presents for them with their grandpa's family. Tell them that Santa doesn't have enough money to give everyone presents this year. You don't tell them they've been too bad!

I told mom that there was no way we were going to give Jay and Linda any gifts this year. Toys for the kids, the older ones especially, absolutely. But Jay and Linda are old enough to expect presents, and they should know that they've been too naughty this year to get even one fucking thing. If Grammy's behavior pissed me off, this made me fucking irate.

Obviously, this too upset my mother. We - mom, daddy and I - love children. And behavior like that is inexcusable, in my eyes. So, yeah, mom had a really crappy day. She was greatly upset.

But nothing is ever all bad. The good things that happened? Daddy bought her a charm bracelet with snowmen, and she watched JC's new video. She loves her some Blowin' Me Up, man.

November 13, 2002


My mom makes me giggle. We've long had this problem of her sending blank IMs, and she finally figured out what causes it. So now she does it ALL THE TIME and cracks up hysterically. So she did it today, and I laughed at her, and she was like, "I'm feeling naughty!" I told her, great, her and JC. She said damn straight. And then her next IM was, "I don't want to know, do I?" <.g> No, she probably doesn't. LOL

Meanwhile, class is in 10 minutes and I must move. But I finished my assignment due tomorrow, so I'm feeling productive. Tonight I watch WW and write a little bit more in my Shining response, and study for lab. I'm looking forward to getting things done. This bodes well.

October 31, 2002

Happy Halloween!!

Happy Halloween, my lovlies! I hope you're all having a fabulous day, however you are celebrating it. : )

My poor mom - my grandmother, great-grandmother, uncle and aunt are all descending. <.g> See, Grammy and Po always would come over for Halloween, go trick or treating with Josh, and help mom with the door. Josh isn't going trick or treating this year because of his knee, but the tradition is apparently important for Grammy. She's still living with her mom, and neither drive, so my uncle has to do it. And he won't go anywhere without Nan, so she has to go with. It's almost amusing. <.g>

But despite that, I remember when my other grandfather died, when Josh was 4 or 5, and Josh always kept asking where Grandpa Mike was. I still kinda feel that way. I know where Po is, but it's like, "Why isn't he coming over? Why isn't he there?" Makes me sad sometimes. Even though I know he's, like, right here, and heaven knows he's been doing his guardian angel bit, but it's still hard. I don't take back my feelings that I prefer the big holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter) to be just my immediate family and not anyone else, including Grammy and Po, but I do wish I could have seen him more. Or again. Even on those blasted holidays. <.g>

August 26, 2002


My Jennie-love found the suntimes guestbook for my grandfather. Isn't it neat? : )

His obit is here. It's, uh, amusing. To us, anyway. LOL Grammy mentioned the freaking DOG, who I don't think he even liked much, and not his parents. Or his two aunts, who are still alive. LOL Oh, Grammy, Grammy, Grammy. Also, he may have done all of this, but not to that extent! LOL Ah, well. <.g>

Po's memorial

Got up early, got ready to go. Mom asked if I wanted to read my eulogy to practice it, I said no. She left, and I did. <.g> Teared up at the end, went "uh-oh." There was a big production getting Josh out of the house - he's in his wheelchair fulltime now, until the surgery on the 16th, and we have stairs to get outside. Lovely. So we all help carry him up, then I lock the doors and we leave. Mom keeps telling Josh we're going to a special funeral for Po, because she originally said good-bye, and then told him that he'd say goodbye to me and dad after wards. LOL Not a good thing to tell him. <.g> So it changed to special funeral. And I was privately sniffly the whole way.

We got there, and it got worse. We had to wait for another funeral to be done. (As my uncle Marty said, "Oh, look. A Real funeral, for a Real Catholic." Po was Presbyterian. Don't ask.) I was 10 seconds from bursting into tears with almost every breath. Josh was carrying a little laminated card with a picture of us with Po on one side, and the other side read "This is me with my grandfather. We called him Po. Po lives with God up in Heaven now." It freaking killed me. Everytime he'd show it to someone or mom would read it, the tears would bubble up closer. Stupid me, I left my cell phone at home, 'cause I desperately wanted to call Jennie. Or anyone, but really Jennie. So I tried to use mom's cell to call 411, but I couldn't find her number. This is the problem with phone books and not memorizing things. <.g>

So we finally get to go in. Sue, Aunt Karen's partner, and I set up Po's pictures - both of which I'm asking for copies of, I think - with the red rose, and get the speaking bits all squared away. She and Aunt Margaret did the readings, and then I was set to do the eulogy after Communion. The priest was a total bastard. He has been the entire time - very bad attitude. None of us were pleased.

So, it starts. And it started with my favorite hymn, On Eagles Wings. I was in the first row, sitting next to Grammy, and she was clutching my hand. Her mother, my great-grandmother, was sitting on her other side, and Aunt Karen and Sue were next to me. Aunt Margaret and Uncle Marty were behind us, Mom, Dad and Josh were in the very back in case Josh got loud. (Which he didn't.) It's really all a blur to me. I mostly stared at Po's pictures - one of him and Grammy, and one portrait of him - and helped Grammy with all the standing and sitting.

So communion comes. Everyone sits down, and that's my cue. I get up there. The priest tells me to wait. I do. Someone up in the loft starts singing. I didn't recognize the voice, and I was too nervous to actually look. I didn't know the song, but I kept thinking how lovely it was, and how on target it was, and it was so damned perfect for Po, and didn't they have songs for everything? okay, and I was also somehwat bitching that the priest had messed me up and I was standing in front of everyone for three minutes. <.g> But. It turns out that it was Nan! My uncle Bobby (the one who looks like Kevin Richarson, Kate LOL)'s girlfriend or wife or partner or whatever. She wrote the song, played the right hand on the piano, and sang it. I was beyond blown away.

So she finishes and it was my turn. I start to talk. I warned mom I probably wouldn't look up, and she said that was okay. I did look up a few times, though. And every time, I saw lots and lots of people crying. And I got about halfway through, and I was, too. I think I was still understandable, though. I tried.

So I tripped back over people getting to my seat, and it was over. One of mom's cousins videotaped it, so hopefully I'll get a copy. I was stuck in the pew while people came up to Grammy, so it was awhile before we left. I said goodbye to my great-grandmother, and that was it. Home to pack up the car and leave.

So. Saturday was a very very long day, emotionally and physically. Which is why I'm so glad to have today off. : ) But now I need a shower. <.g>

Po's memorial

Got up early, got ready to go. Mom asked if I wanted to read my eulogy to practice it, I said no. She left, and I did. <.g> Teared up at the end, went "uh-oh." There was a big production getting Josh out of the house - he's in his wheelchair fulltime now, until the surgery on the 16th, and we have stairs to get outside. Lovely. So we all help carry him up, then I lock the doors and we leave. Mom keeps telling Josh we're going to a special funeral for Po, because she originally said good-bye, and then told him that he'd say goodbye to me and dad after wards. LOL Not a good thing to tell him. <.g> So it changed to special funeral. And I was privately sniffly the whole way.

We got there, and it got worse. We had to wait for another funeral to be done. (As my uncle Marty said, "Oh, look. A Real funeral, for a Real Catholic." Po was Presbyterian. Don't ask.) I was 10 seconds from bursting into tears with almost every breath. Josh was carrying a little laminated card with a picture of us with Po on one side, and the other side read "This is me with my grandfather. We called him Po. Po lives with God up in Heaven now." It freaking killed me. Everytime he'd show it to someone or mom would read it, the tears would bubble up closer. Stupid me, I left my cell phone at home, 'cause I desperately wanted to call Jennie. Or anyone, but really Jennie. So I tried to use mom's cell to call 411, but I couldn't find her number. This is the problem with phone books and not memorizing things. <.g>

So we finally get to go in. Sue, Aunt Karen's partner, and I set up Po's pictures - both of which I'm asking for copies of, I think - with the red rose, and get the speaking bits all squared away. She and Aunt Margaret did the readings, and then I was set to do the eulogy after Communion. The priest was a total bastard. He has been the entire time - very bad attitude. None of us were pleased.

So, it starts. And it started with my favorite hymn, On Eagles Wings. I was in the first row, sitting next to Grammy, and she was clutching my hand. Her mother, my great-grandmother, was sitting on her other side, and Aunt Karen and Sue were next to me. Aunt Margaret and Uncle Marty were behind us, Mom, Dad and Josh were in the very back in case Josh got loud. (Which he didn't.) It's really all a blur to me. I mostly stared at Po's pictures - one of him and Grammy, and one portrait of him - and helped Grammy with all the standing and sitting.

So communion comes. Everyone sits down, and that's my cue. I get up there. The priest tells me to wait. I do. Someone up in the loft starts singing. I didn't recognize the voice, and I was too nervous to actually look. I didn't know the song, but I kept thinking how lovely it was, and how on target it was, and it was so damned perfect for Po, and didn't they have songs for everything? okay, and I was also somehwat bitching that the priest had messed me up and I was standing in front of everyone for three minutes. <.g> But. It turns out that it was Nan! My uncle Bobby (the one who looks like Kevin Richarson, Kate LOL)'s girlfriend or wife or partner or whatever. She wrote the song, played the right hand on the piano, and sang it. I was beyond blown away.

So she finishes and it was my turn. I start to talk. I warned mom I probably wouldn't look up, and she said that was okay. I did look up a few times, though. And every time, I saw lots and lots of people crying. And I got about halfway through, and I was, too. I think I was still understandable, though. I tried.

So I tripped back over people getting to my seat, and it was over. One of mom's cousins videotaped it, so hopefully I'll get a copy. I was stuck in the pew while people came up to Grammy, so it was awhile before we left. I said goodbye to my great-grandmother, and that was it. Home to pack up the car and leave.

So. Saturday was a very very long day, emotionally and physically. Which is why I'm so glad to have today off. : ) But now I need a shower. <.g>

August 22, 2002


I'm going to start searching, but I thought myabe someone here could help. I'm looking for an appropriate new Testament reading for my mom to do at the memorial service on Saturday. Any and all ideas are welcomed. : )

August 20, 2002

fuckity fuck fuck

Damn damn damn damn. Mom just called me, almost in tears. Josh's other knee dislocated. Like, badly. He was on the floor, clutching his knee, sobbing. She pushed it in, as taught, as he's on the couch, quite comfy now, but fully unable to walk. One of his PTs came over, and said this was probably it. Two disloactions in such a short period of time, it has to be. But we're going to try taping it and putting it in a stabilizer, seeing if we can put off surgery for awhile.

Damn, man. When it rains, it really fucking pours. My poor baby boy. : ( Like it isn't horrible enough on its own, we have to deal with it now, on top of everything else.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! So mad at the world right now. And no one's online to talk to. : (

August 18, 2002

my guy

So in March of 1936, this boy was born. And he was pretty cool. But what was even cooler was that he was going to grow up and become my grandfather. Not by blood, you understand - he was going to enter the picture long after my mom was born, and he wasn't going to enter in the best possible of ways. But by the time I showed up, for better or worse, he had been there for awhile. And we looked into each other's eyes, me all of a few hours old, and we thought, "Hey, I like this person. I think I'll keep them around." And we did. For 21 years, we kept each other around, and it was great. There was this bond that neither of us had with anyone else, that we did have with each other, and we knew it. We cherished it. He was my guy. He always will be.

Po was in a coma. Highly unusual for cancer patients, because it meant they were hanging on so desperately hard. But between 3:30 and 4 this morning, he came out of it. Mom was on night duty, remember. He responded to touch. He lifted his head to see my grandmother better. He actually *swallowed, something he hasn't done in months and months, maybe a year. He had the energy to cough. It was like his body was resting while in this coma so he could properly say goodbye. They listened to Elvis spirituals on cassette. Big lover of the King, you know. And he wasn't exactly talking. But you could see his mouth moving, see that he thought he could be heard, see the intonations. And mostly was he said I was "I love you" to my grandmother. But every time the tape side would end, it would make a clicking noise, and he'd teasingly remind my mother to flip the tape over. It became a little joke with them, she said.

They watched the sunrise together. Mom said it was a spectacular one. Even workers at the hospital came in to watch, before their shifts started. Mom kept saying things like "moments of grace."

He waited until Grammy went into the bathroom. Mom saw and called her back. Grammy was by his side when he passed, at about 7:25 this morning. Daddy called me about 5 minutes later.

It doesn't seem real yet. I'll be typing this, and the oddest bits will get me crying. Like Elvis. Made. Me. Bawl. And the time. The time got me crying. Not the words that he passed. But the time. Makes it more real, I guess.

So, a boy was born in 1936. And he died in 2002. But in between, he did some amazing things. And I will always love him. Because he is my guy.

August 17, 2002


Po's in a coma now. Mom's on night duty, she's already there. Grammy wants to know about a passage from Hamlet, goodnight sweet prince, and something about choirs of angels. Someone know where I can find the passage? I'm searching now, but it's fairly unsuccessful as of yet.

my day off!

My one day off all week! Yay!!

So yesterday I decided to watch my MSG tape, 'cause the internet sucked and I was bored. So I did. And, um, did I mention that my phone now rings IGBM? "cause, um, it does. And so I was in the living room watching the SDBs sing IGBM, and then I heard beeping echoing their singing pretty damn well. And I thought, "Oh, fuck. The tracking already sucks, now it's making noises." Then I realized it was my phone. <.g> It was mom.

She's been at the hospital the last two days. Dad has been so majorly nice and wonderful. He went out yesterday at 6am to buy her a sandwich and two sodas and magazines and stuff so she could leave at 6:45, and he stayed with Josh all day long, until she got home at 7:30. And even then he was putting Josh to bed still. And she was there from 11ish-8ish the day before. Isn't that wonderful of him? So, anyway, she was there for a long time. This was her timeline:

Saturday night, I bought a funny card for Po, Sunday I moved down, Monday Daddy mailed it. Po got it on Tuesday, and he read it, and it made him smile a lot. It's hanging up next to my sunset. It was good timing, because he can't do that anymore. He hasn't spoken since Wednesday. He just lies there, eyes maybe half open, blinking maybe 6 times yesterday, mom said. Which of course dries out your eyes and that isn't pretty. He's also down to 8 breaths a minute. Everything is shutting down quickly.

So that's her timeline. Grammy doesn't go home anymore. She lies in bed with him pretty much all the time. For Father's Day, I got him a t-shirt that says "This is what a cool grandpa looks like." He wore it nonstop the last week until Thursday, when his J-tube started leaking and he had to put on a gown. Now it lies on top of him all the time Grammy wanted to know if it should be cremated with him, or if I wanted it back. It's his. It is so important to him, makes him so happy. So it'll be a part of him always when he passes.

Obviously not a very uplifting phone conversation. I wish I was there, though, and not here. I really don't like my job. Fully miserable in it, as a matter of fact. I had a lot of time to think yesterday, and I think that's responsible for my return of nsync obsession - the videos and exessive fic and daydreams. I didn't need them this summer because I was already totally happy with my job and everything else. Didn't need the external lift of happiness, or whatever. I tend to spend all my time online and doing nsync stuff when I am bored or dislike what's going on around me. Didn't need that this summer - I loved what I was doing, went out often, etc. nsync was just a fun thing, rather than the fun thing. It's a difference, in my mind anyway, and I liked it better this summer.

So. I was watching the pretty puppies, and D was like, "Ick." But I told him I planned to watch some Queer as Folk UK after it, and that it fit the theme. He said his sister had tried to convince him one day that all members of nsync and BSB were straight and I giggled. Couldn't help it. LOL Eh, who knows what they are, but they're touchy-feely boys, and I like that very much. LOL So, I watched them, and hey, person with nonedited version (I got mine off WB) - who does JC smile at so happily in IWYB right after the flips? It was SO CUTE!!!!! LOL It was like the giggly grin in Atlantis during the aquarium shot.

So then I popped in episode one of QaF. Somehow, THAT D would watch with me. And watch he did. <.g> For me, it was slightly awkward, 'cause boys having sex, whch I am fine with when watching alone or with people I know appreciate it. And damn it, I'm still not sure how D swings after that. LOL I havend't had a chance to watch them all summer, so it was my first time. I kept, of course, comparing it to the US version. LOL I kept telling D is was strange to see Stuart so nice, after Brian, which he couldn't believe. LOL But he was! And I liked him, but I liked Brian better. Vince, though, I liked more than I did Michael. And I love Michael, but. Vince! <.g> He's cool. Justin's cuter than Nathan, but both are simply adorable. All in all, I can't wait to keep watching, because it's wonderful, but probably not with D. LOL

So today I slept until 11! It feels great. But it's SO damn disconcerting, because it was still pitch black in here. And that made me want to sleep more. Damn, I can't wait for windows. Barr people said they were almost certain I could move in on Monday. Which would be super cool, I think. But begs the question - what exactly is Justin performing on? VMAs, I thought? But what about the teen choice awards? When are they on? What station? Enquiring minds want to know. <.g> But, yes. Damien is great, honestly. And I've gotten used to living here. But I want my own happy place! Where I can watch QaF, and then other nsync videos, because I'll have them, and yes. All good, and worth trading a 1 minute walk to work for a 13.

So, plans for today? Fun, baby! Sims, putting together the scenes I've written in my underage!Timbertrick, possibly saving all of my webpages in case I have to move (probably something to think about do anyway. LOL), maybe watch Breakfast at Tiffany's with D, going to bed early. ::nods:: Yes. Fun.

Oh, but first - last night I opened my Real Jukebox so I could hear Justin's song again. And a note popped up that there had been an error, and did I want to reset my settings to the last time? If that ever happens to you, say YES. I said no, completely confused and all my MP3s disappeared. I imported them again in minutes, it wasn't a big deal, but there are repeats and they are all out of my order and it makes me want to cry. <.sigh> I LIKED my old order. It was the order I downloadde them in, and you could tell my mood/interests then, and that made it easier to listen to a bunch I wanted to. And I hate change. And this is all changed. Which SUCKS.

So. Back to listening to the OTL soundtrack and off to have fun!

August 07, 2002

good news and bad

So. My grandmother is talking to my mother again. All is well there. That's the good news.

My grandfather is going to die soon. That's the bad. I've been saying that for a long time, I realize. And he could bounce back from this. For maybe a week. He can't process any feed anymore. his liver is shutting down and the toxins are releasing and killing him. His heart is giving up. He's being discharged from the hospital tomorrow, with three days of nutritional things - not feed, but like glucose and morphine for the IV. Then he's going to die.

Grammy told mom she thinks it'll happen tonight. When he's all alone, she thinks he thinks it'll be better that way. He could have been discharged today, but he said no, he felt safer in the hospital. So he stayed. And grammy thinks this is it.

I talked to him today. He wants to see me on Saturday, he said. Me, mom and Josh. Was very happy that I've been so happy this summer. Couldn't wait to see pics and hear stories about my kidlets. I didn't really get a good good bye or an I love you before he had to pass the phone to my grandmother, but maybe those things don't need to be SAID, because God knows they're felt on both sides.

He requested no wake or funeral. Straight to the crematorium. We think it's so his kids and ex-wife don't hassel grammy. They've all not gotten along well since he married my grandmother. Cindy, his daughter, still refuses to talk to him ever. Bobby, his son, has done a little bit and saw him over Easter. But it's still very strained. Mom thinks it's a slap in the face to them, and it probably is, but it's his decision.

So, yes. Here we are. August 7 (happy birthday, David Duchovny), my grandfather is most likely going to die, and I have to move down to school on Sunday. I'm losing my kids, my best job ever, my Dominic (who gave me another nickname today, but also went out on a date tonight. Bastard ; ), and my grandfather. In just, like, three days.

I am SO tired. I was going to go to bed early tonight. I signed off line at 9, read for an hour, and was about to get into bed before 10 when the phone rang and it was my uncle. Mom asked me to keep an ear out for Josh. I did. She wasn't up again by 11, I went down for a snack (bad me), and she was talking to grammy. Then she called me down and told me. And now I'm so tired, but afraid to sleep. Not afraid. Just...wary. Maybe. I don't know.

I had this dream a few nights ago where Po died. We were talking, I went to go get him something, and when I came back, he was dead. Sounds sad, but it wasn't. Actually, what I had when I came back was a baby, a boy I named Robert after him. So it was a happy dream, even though he was gone. I don't usually remember my dreams so clearly for so long, but this one I do. Life's going to go on, I guess. Everything will carry on. It's just so sad now.

Mom keeps bugging me to go to bed. I should. I'm going to be a wreck in the morning. But I might as well stay up the next 13 minutes and wish JC a happy birthday. Got nothing better to do. It's a happy. A ridiculous happy, but hey, you take what you can get, right? : )

July 26, 2002


So I came home from my movie, all happy and bouncy. We had a great time, loved the movie, restaurant was fabulous. Tried ostrich, loved it.

Mom was on the phone with my grandmother. Po's going on oxygen tomorrow. Tomorrow because they couldn't find anyone to get him on it tonight. See, he has esophageal cancer. Has for 2.5 years. And the scar tissue built up so badly that he can't swallow anything, not even saliva. So he had a J-tube, and was given nutritional feed. Now, his body can't digest even that. So he's starving to death. And there's a procedure that the docs recommended, putting a tube in his nose to bypass the scar tissue and everything. But he refused that procedure...that would mean not leaving his bed ever again. He'd be hooked up for the rest of his life. This is the man that at a skeletal 90 pounds (he had been 270) is still driving, because my grandmother has MS and can't, because he has to get to his doctor's appointments somehow. So he refused it. And the hospital discharged him. And now his organs are failing. So. Doesn't really matter that the cancer might have spread to his brain. Why bother even testing? He's going to starve to death. I don't want him to die, I'm going to miss him so bad it's almost going to kill me, but at this point, please let it just be over. He's been through so much. And now this. I can't imagine a more horrible way to die than starvation. Especially for a man who so truly loved to eat. He adored food. And now this. Life sucks.

May 27, 2002


I am of the opinion that holidays just shouldn't exist. Ditto "family togetherness." Screw people from centuries past had the right idea. Keep the kids and adults separate, and the adults don't see each other often, either. Do your own thing. Everyone's happier that way.

That said. Mom and I had a blast planting flowers today. Turns out I'm pretty good at spreading out clumps of woodchips (yay, new career option - manual labor), although I suck at the actual planting of flowers. I planned them well, though. It was just why we were doing it that sucks. Oh, and I hate dirt and mud. That's also less fun. But the yard looks pretty.

We also watched Founding Brothers on History Channel tonight, along with random bits of the Trading Spaces marathon. FB was wonderful, and we can't wait for part two tomorrow. It's amazing the things you can learn and find fascinating just because you wanted to watch something to hear Rob Lowe's voice. ; ) (Okay, no, actually I love American history, and I love learning about history in general. I most likely would have watched it even with Rob. But he helped LOL) TS is always fun, too. Love that show.

People are feedbacking me on Sinful! ::bounces:: Makes me happy. Especially since it was just a fluffy little thing I wrote in one night that spiraled completely out of control after page one...everything after Lance taking the polish brush happened without my input, I swear. LOL But it came out pretty cute, I think. See, I knew joining that JC/Lance fic list 6 months ago would benefit me one day. LOL Maybe now I'll finish that other Basez fic I've been working on (for the last, eeek, 6 months). <.g>

Man, I am amazingly sleepy. I've got some weird music on....I think it's opera, but I don't recognize it. I guess that War Letters thing I *wanted to hear is over already. LOL Oh, well, this is pretty interesting.

Sweet dreams, everybody. : )

May 20, 2002


Argh. Had two job interviews at the bank, one at a preschool. I think the school is mine, but it's scary. Twenty kindergartners, all on my own. Twenty. And she said that this is a rough bunch. The first and second graders are sweethearts, but the kindergartners are tough. I would be the teacher. I would do swim with them one afternoon a week, and that morning I would be taking them out of the property on field trips. Is that even legal??? A 20:1 ratio, with the one being someone without a teaching certificate, let alone experience leading an entire class? I've been the aide in a number of kindergarten classrooms, but this would be a totally different experience. EEEEEEKKKK!!!! But it's money, fulltime, and she was excited for me and my week long internship in June. So. I'd have to take it, of course. But I'm scared. A lot. <.g>

Then, tomorow I'm going to get my permit. God, please let me be bringing everything. I can't find my purse with my SS card and voter registration in it, but I have my IL ID and an old permit that expired two years ago, both of which have my SS# on it. God, I wish I could find my purse. My mom will kill me if I don't get my permit tomorrow.

I swear, these are such tiny things, but I am nearing hysteria. I don't get it. I must breathe. Breathe breathe BREATHE, damn it.

I started Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood tonight, already on chapter 13. It's excellent. All along, though, I've been sympathizing with Sidda when she talks about envying her mother and the Ya-Yas, and the friendship/relationship they had, because I was seriously envious, too. But then Sidda's own friends came to visit her, and I was mad at Sidda, because I think she does have it, and she doesn't realize it. It made me wonder if it was my story, would the reader get annoyed with me for complaining and wanting that very thing that I actually have and don't realize? Sometimes I wonder what my life looks like to an outsider. How much I actually manage to hide, how much peeks through, what shows that I don't even know is there. I've gotten e-mails from people, GBabes actually, who complimented me on maturity and intelligence and kindness, and it blows me away, because I don't see it. Makes me wonder what they see, and what leads them to those conclusions about me. Also makes me wonder who's perception is correct...theirs, mine, no ones?

I don't know. Not sure where this is stemming from. Maybe the book, maybe because mom and I were talking today about how some SLPs are making her doubt her faith in Josh's abilities. Josh is a fantastic communicator. Not conventional, no. Sentences aren't grammatical. But who's are? Mine aren't, but you all understand what I say just fine. So he only conveys the important words..."mom video for night." Who needs the "I want"? He's saying he wants to have a video to bring in bed with him when he goes to sleep. Perfectly logical. (Some kids like teddy bears, Josh prefers videos and tapes to protect, make sure we don't steal them from him.) I think it sucks that these so-called professionals who don't see Josh more than 4 hours a month, at most, can know him, know what he's capable of, like we can, who live with him all the time. He gets his point across. People understand him. Isn't that the point of communication? Mom shouldn't doubt her instincts, let other people's perceptions color what she sees. She may not have a degree, but she knows Josh. But on the other side, they have experience and can compare Josh to other kids, see where he measures up. In this case, I don't buy that, I think personal knowledge eclipses professional experience. But who's to say who's right, or if anyone is? Opinions and perceptions are unique to an individual, so can they really be wrong? I disagree with their notions of Josh, but maybe I am biased. (Okay, yes, I am.) But that doesn't make my view of Josh less valid, does it? I see what I see, believe what I believe. And I believe he's a strong communicator, who can certainly improve, but so can we all. I really, truly believe that, no matter what those stupid, otherwise-opinioned people think.

Okay, I'm talking in circles. And I'm not sure of what I'm saying. Don't you love late-night, sleep-deprived posts?

May 17, 2002

cute josh story #72982

I'm thinking I might just want to create a whole Josh category. <.giggle>

So, josh plays Family Feud on the computer. He generally plays with one of us, because it's an adult game and the answers (espcially ones about sex and liquor) are generally above him. But he loves to have his input into the game. So we get answers like mom, elmo, nsync, etc. Well, there's this girl named Alisa on the PBS show Zoom, and Josh has this HUGE crush on her. So now his answers tend to be like and stuff like that. Well, one question was "What makes a home?" Mom answered a few of them (family, furniture) and left the room. She heard Josh typing away, and then Louie said that he had the number one answer! Given his usual responses, this is unheard of. <.g> She ran in, and saw that he had typed "Love Alisa" and it accepted it for "love." LOL!! He was SOOOO proud of himself. LOL

Cute story number 2. I got some camp info yesterday (which was NOT cool...I'm worried about what it'll be like), and mom and I were discussing it while josh sat between us. He pulled over his Dynamyte and said GO RINA CAR DRIVE CAMPING ON TENT. Isn't that neat?? Then when I told him, yes, I would be driving to camp in June, he said GO RINA CAR DRIVE CAMPING ON TENT JUNE YES. <.giggle> See, this is good communication. It's maybe not standard syntactically correct, but it gets his point across and it's complex and he's morphing words correctly, and I think it's impressive. : )

May 15, 2002

Cute Josh story #69837

Still downloading mail....ARGH. LOL Anyway, I love my brother. He's too cute, I swear it. So he uses a DynaMyte to speak, right? And that comes with voices you can use...Wendy is a growly, deep voice, Kit is a child's voice, Harry is an adult male voice, etc. So you can pick the one best suited to you. And there's also a music editor, where you input the words of a song with the music note, and it sings for you. So I've done a number of songs for josh...BBB, Oops I did it again, Savage Garden, Disney, etc. Quite the range. Anyway, his latest thing is to sing Britney Spears in Wendy's voice. It never fails to crack me up!! It's the most hysterical thing in the world, I swear. I'm gonna try and get a wav file of it. <.g>

I know I had a few more cute josh stories, but they're blanking right now. LOL (oooh, I Need Love is on the player now. <.snicker>) Maybe I'll remember soon. Mail is still downloading. Meanwhile, let's hope that I get used to the keyboard again, because this thing is not typing all the keys I hit and it's driving me INSANE!

Oh, slightly cute thing...he wants to have a sleepover in my room tomorrow. LOL Actually, he wanted that tonight, but I had a date with the nsync dvd and the computer. LOL So I'll make him watch Must See TV tomorrow. <.g> Oh, and he's so cute with his sentences now..."Rina get tape for night let's check now yes." <.giggle> 'Cause he started with get tape for night, and then when i said I couldn't find it, insisted that we go check. <.giggle> Possibly only adorable and impressive for people who know Josh and his communication, but yes. Made me smile!

Ooh, mail's downloaded.

April 24, 2002

grandmother esther

So, grandma called daddy at work today, she wants him to pick her up tonight. She's been refusing since and dad were talking last night and this morning, and both firmly believed she'd never agree. So after three days, mom finally got out of the "she's coming" mindset, and now....she's coming. <.g> Ooops. Anyway, I guess she had a doctor's appt today...he says she can't go to work until May 3, and she's lost a few more pounds. So we think that freaked her out. So, I guess we'll see what happens now. : )

I finished one EdPsych paper, but really, I need to write about my project. I don't know why I'm so unable to do so...I guess I'm afraid that it was totally stupid and everything, and I don't want to share with him now. But, I mean, after I hand it in, I'll only see him briefly at the final. So it shouldn't be a big deal. But somehow it is. <.sigh> Oh, well. Dawson is on now, and I think I like Joey and Charlie. And then WW is doing a White House documentary I'm really excited about. So I guess I won't be starting EdPsych until 9, anyway. LOL

Oh, I'm kinda excited...I met someone from my major today! Her name is Brooklyn, and she's really sweet. She lives a few blocks down from me. She just transfered into the major this year, and is finding it hard to get to know anyone, since there are so many cliques. Just in case she had talked to a few other people, I didn't want to give my opinion that 95% of the class are airheads and jerks. LOL But I feel bad that, you know, potential friend all year long that I didn't know. <.g> I think she's in my discussion lab and everything! Hmm. Oh, well. We've bonded over mutual dislike for Kuehn, and maybe I'll invite her to work on the final with me, Lauren, Meg and Jill. <.g>

April 01, 2002

Easter Sunday

So, did almost no studying Saturday. Dad came and picked me up, went home. We colored Easter eggs...Josh was participating! He totally dunked his eggs. I was so proud of him. Mine had a had paw prints, one had music notes, one had a kitten and a fish, one said Space Cowboy, and I think there was one more. But then dad did one, and he said I couldn't look until the next morning, but that the yellow one was mine. Curious, I agreed.

Easter morning - got fun stuff in my basket. Continued the theme. LOL On the Line DVD, Lance notebook, nsync mini calendar, along with a Border's gift card. <.g> Very fun. Found my easter eggs...the one dad made? Said "Lance + Rina" with a heart. <.groan> LOL Thanks, dad. <.g> Josh loved his PopOdessey video...I had it cued up to Pop, and he watched a few moments before FFing. Watched a bit of Sapce Cowboy, and kept going. Watched a few seconds of the Game is Over, and kept going. Found Bye Bye Bye and watched it over and over and over. LOL He also got an I Love Lucy video, and Zenon the Zequel, so the VCR was quite busy for awhile. He also found his eggs, and put them into the carton!!! I was so impressed with him.

Then things were pretty stressful for awhile. Dad was cranky because he was trying to clean the flooded basement, mom was cooking dinner, Josh was being a pain, it was all really really not fun. : ( But we got through dinner relatively unscathed, and mom and I headed out.

When we got to the hospital, Po's mom was there with Po's son Bobby and his wife Patty. So we just waved and left again to give them a few minutes to end their visit. We were pretty shocked...he's under 100 pounds. He looked like a concentration camp survivor. It was pretty EEEK. But when we came back, we ran into Bobby and Patty leaving with Grandma. Turns out he was 110% better than the day before. Saturday, he didn't say three words, his eyes were lifeless, and it was very bad. At one point, he woke up out of a deep sleep and became hysterical, saying that his mother wasn't going to come after all. Grammy tried to reassure him, because at that point, we thought she *was coming. But he was so upset, they had to sedate him. And he was right, she didn't come that day. At one point during our visit, the Chaplain came by. Po told him quite clearly that he was glad he had come Sunday and not the day before, because he would have told him that it was the end. But then yesterday, he was alert, the spark was in his eyes, and he was better. Miracles on Easter Sunday. When he was admitted, he had the lowest phosphorus and potassium rates they had ever seen on a man who didn't die within hours. The admitting doctor told him he had the bloodwork and results of a dying man. But he's stubborn, and somehow managed to pull through. We don't know how.

So we went to visit with him, and after the initial shock, it was just Po. We chatted, teased, etc. We stayed for over two hours, which was nice. At one point, my uncle came to talk my grandmother home (her first time home since he was admitted on Wednesday), and mom walked them out, so I got a private visit. It was great...I love him so much. Mom said when she got back, she ducked in the bathroom to wash her hands, and we didn't notice. But she heard the two of us laughing and laughing and his voice sounded so strong again. Her mom had just been telling her how Po hasn't laughed in so long. That was nice to hear.

One thing that was slightly disconcerting is when the nurse came in, we were all chatting, and she asked how many grandchildren he had. Po and I looked at each other, thoughtfully. "Good question," I said, because I really didn't know. He has two children of his own (he's my mom's stepfather), and I only knew of one child Bobby had. But he answered four, and I was thrown into confusion. Me and Josh, obviously. But I thought he counted Aunt Margaret's (mom's sister, so his stepdaughter) kids, Rachel and David as his grandkids, too, and I knew Bobby had at least Michael. So then I wondered if he wasn't counting Rachel, because she's not Aunt Margaret's biological kid, but her stepdaughter. But then he named, Josh, Rachel and David. I told mom about it later, and he has four others...Cindy has two girls and Bobby has two boys. So all we can think is that because he didn't really have contact with Bobby's family for a long time, and Cindy still hasn't even come to visit him, that he really considers the four of us his grandkids. That's kinda sad, even as I'm glad to be counted among them. Heaven knows he's my favorite grandfather. True, the only living one, but still. <.g>

The other disturbing thing was that he, mom and I were chatting while Uncle Marty had Grammy home, and he suddenly stopped talking and said there was something wrong at home, but he didn't know what. Mom was worried, knowing about the day before, and called. Turns out that Uncle Marty had accidentally set off the security alarm while helping my grandmother, and the police came. So he's really getting that sixth sense thing going, which is legendarily found in people nearing death. So that's kinda scary. But it was great seeing him, and I'll be back next Saturday to show off concert pictures. He's thrilled. ; ) He and mom have banded together in their "Lance looks like a girl" campaign. LOL I keep trying to tell them that he's much more masculine than he was when he joined, but they don't believe me. LOL

Speaking of mom and nsync...I had made a new cassette nysnc mix for the car rides home, and brought it with for the drive to the hospital. I had hit a few wrong numbers when programming, and needed to see what was actually on it. LOL But I think she was enjoying herself...she was singing along every so often, and by the ride home, she could tell apart JC and Justin singing. I was impressed. LOL

So, yeah we got home, and I got in about 30 minutes of only studying time all weekend. <.sigh> I'm so going to fail. Except maybe not, because as I was reviewing, things actually looked familiar. <.shrug> Who knows. After Josh went to bed, I popped in On the Line and watched deleted scenes and outtakes and alternate scenes. I'm sad...they cut out Joey kissing Lance! That so would have made the movie for me. And they cut out the scene were GQ tells Lance to put up posters and stuff, so that his scene by the copier doesn't come so suddenly (plus, Lance played tic-tac-toe against a chicken, and lost, and that was just adorable. "What, did this chicken go to YALE?"). Oh, and the scene were Brady gets his idea to send Julie out with Kevin originally was shot with the two of them in bed together, which makes the scene make much more sense to me. The words and her annoyance and kisses fit more, and it says more about their relationship. But then I brought it downstairs and watched some with my parents. My dad gave up about 20 minutes in, but mom watched 80% of it...we skipped the middle. LOL She thinks Joey was great, but can't believe how bad the movie really was. <.g>

Then today, dad and I left at 9am, dropped some clothes off at the hospital for my grandmother (she wasn't prepared for a long hospital stay, and kept mooching clothes off of Po's visitors. Mom ended up going home wearing only a wool blazer, as grammy had stolen her sweater. She also stole my sweater I was using as a jacket, so I was really cold running to the car. LOL), got here at 12:30, I left for class at 12:40, and got back here at 6. It's been a loooooooooong day, and I still need to study. I am in hell.

But the way I look at it, one test will not break my grade. If I do well on everything else, like I have been, it'll only be a temporary dip. So I'm not overly worried, just moderately so. <.g> But still....must study. <.sigh>

March 30, 2002


Great. Called my mom. Not only am I not going home today, they're not coming tomorrow.

Everything is just so conflicting. Po had surgery last night to put in a central line. Took x-rays, he has pneumonia again on top of everything else. So they're going to drain his lungs.

Mom says she doesn't want to travel because in case anything does happen, she wants to be close for her mother. But she doesn't want me coming home, because she thinks that we can visit Po next Saturday when I'm home. So she's staying close because she thinks he might die, but she doesn't want me close because she doesn't think he'll die until next weekend. I'm so confused.

But I guess I couldn't go visit him today anyway, because he's so tired from the surgery and his mom and daughter are planning to come visit, and that would be a lot for him. That's what mom said, and that does make sense. So, yeah. But what if he doesn't make it until I can see him? I would feel even worse.

OKay. UGH. I was just about to call mom and tell her I was sorry for making things so difficult and that I understood, she was right, and I was just sad that I wouldn't see them for Easter. Phone rings, it's mom, she was wrong and I should come home. ::bangs head:: I'm getting whiplash from all these plans. Nothing is a good decision anymore. I'm so lost. But apparently I have to pack. For now. God, how am I going to get anything done? How am I getting back on Monday or Sunday? How am I getting home on Wednesday? Man, I wish my mom would just talk to me about this and let us come up with an actual plan of what will happen than, "I'll talk to you later. Pack." Not helpful.

March 29, 2002

God damn it

Eleven fucking o'clock at night and my phone rings. It's my damn mother, telling me that plans have, once again, changed, and I am coming home this weekend. Dad'll drive down tomorrow and get me, and drive me back fucking Monday morning.

My grandfather, it turns out, had ecoli. Hence the illness and hospitalization. Now he has a staph infection. You know, what ROsie had awhile back and nearly died from and she's a healthy strong woman and not a cadaverous 101 pound man riddled with cancer? So, yeah, going home to go to the hospital and say goodbye. After all these fucking months of cancer and the scares, it's going to be a goddamned staph infection he got at the fucking hospital that does him in. I mean, yeah, sure he might pull through this one like he pulled through the rest of the crises. But it's not fucking likely.

Continue reading "God damn it" »

March 27, 2002


Well, watched On the Line again. LOL With Kate and Amie this time. Still cute. And I've come to the conclusion that the reason the chick with the book meets Randy is so that the writers/producers could reaffirm Randy's heterosexuality. Forget Rod and Kevin, Randy and Eric were so all over each other the whole movie. <.g> Hugging, touching, looking, the spins and hugs in the credits...yeah. So that's my theory on the random girl with the big book. ::nods:: Also, Kate had me in stitches with the cute little drawings she was making on her mini-etch a sketch. LOL The pineapple was best. <.g>

But despite all this, I did get some work done. Just not as much as I would have prefered. I got two pages done. Of eight. But I lent Jill my notebook so she could copy Monday's notes, and forgot I had my mini-outline in there. So I forgot what I was going to talk about! I'm gonna keep working on it, though, and if I bring in a point I hadn't meant to, well, that only makes this thing longer, which I need.

No real news on my grandfather yet. So far, he's not responding to treatments, but there's still time. He's sick, that's all. And he wants to see his daughter and his mother. And he wants his copies of his living will and stuff, which unfortunately my parents can't find. Or couldn't as of 7:30 when I last talked to them. But he still could pull through this. I know that he doesn't want to die in a hospital, and I don't think he will. Which means he'll get through this new thing.

So meanwhile, I need to keep working. Because if I stay on my computer any longer, I'll either open a fic to read, or reopen my latest story and work on that. Again. I wrote a page of that today before I settled in with my paper. Bad me!


My grandfather is back in intensive care. He was sick this a result of a virus or the chemo/radiation, who knows...and lost 7 pounds. When he went in for treatment today, he was immediately admitted. He had some highly alarming liver test results, so it seems to have mostly impacted his liver and heart. They're trying to rehydrate him now, but they don't know yet if the damage is irriversible. So a lot of people are heading to the hospital to support my aunt and uncle, my uncle and his girlfriend, Po's son, their friend Virgina...and they're all under orders to call my mom when they know how serious it is and stuff. It might be okay and just a set back, or it could be more. A vigil. In which case dad will come get me and I'll go home.

It's was so fast. All that weight lost in just a few days. All that damage potentially done in just a few days. It's terrifying. I just wish I knew what was happening, and what will happen. I hate not knowing.

March 18, 2002

more cute-Josh stories

I so adore my brother. LOL (As if that wasn't obvious.) He's just so damn CUTE! And so smart! Like, we had med students over to visit a few weeks ago, part of a program where they come visit kids with special needs in their homes so that they can see them more as regular kids. One said she had plans to go to NY for Passover. Josh immediately rifled through his tapes, pulled out his barney Holiday tape and played the Dreidel song. He knows Jewish holidays! Isn't that adorable?

He watched a lot more nsync today, although thankfully less than yesterday. Still mostly the same scenes. But then after the videos were put away, he put on his NSA CD and listened to Bye Bye Bye. And started dancing! And mom's fear that Josh would catch Lance's choreography were somewhat founded. When Lance grabs himself, he also looks sharply to the side (in such a cute, embarrassed manner, IMO) and steps back. When it got to that point in the song, josh didn't grab anything, but he did stop and go really still, and then looked sharply to the side and fell back. <.giggle> He's also getting some arm movements in there. He's SO CUTE!!! I can't emphasize this enough, really.

I think I had more josh stories, but I can't remember them now. LOL He's finally learned how to change tracks on CDs and read the booklets so he can go to different songs. I'm so impressed with how much he grows every day. When dad came in after work today, josh immediately went to his DynaMyte and asked him how he was!! Spontaneously!! I just wanted to hug him. He's so smart.

I'm excited...I have plans with Josh's SLP, Chris, to go to lunch on Friday. She's such a sweetie, and I think we'll have fun. I think that's the biggest plan I have for this week. <.g> I'm studying, I'm working with Josh, I'm voting, I'm doing schoolwork...Chris is the highlight of my week. Um, that's kinda sad right there. LOL Oh, well.

okay, the next thing I have to blog about deserves it's own post, so off to it.Let's hope the site stays up long enough to get it up there.

March 17, 2002

St. Paddy's

Happy St. Paddy's Day, everyone! I had such a fun day. My mom's side of the family is pretty Irish, so we do the typical corned beef and soda bread and stuff, with lots of green. <.g> Very yummy stuff. Plus, mom was talking with a brogue, like, all day. LOL Her accents crack me up.

Josh finally watched the Making the Tour. And boy, did he ever watch it. I swear, I'm almost sick of the boys. LOL I think JC is his favorite, but he also seems to like Joey and Justin. I don't think he even realizes Chris exists, although he's watched a bit of lance. <.giggle> See, josh perseverates. There's this one scene where everyone is commenting that JC is always late, and then JC rides up on his little scooter, and Justin applauds his finally showing up. Josh laughs hysterically at JC and claps just like Justin! We watched that scene many, many, many, many times. We also got treated tp about 30 minutes of one tiny little scene where Joey flails his arms about and talks about the fans, I think. I'm not sure, I'm always too busy cracking up at Josh imitating Joey's arms to hear what he's saying. <.g> It's so freaking adorable. He also loves the start where Joey imitates the screaming girls with an "Oh, my God!" in falsetto...Josh laughs every time. He also likes JC talking about being closer to the audience when they're on those stools about to go over the crowd. No clue what song, because Josh still only listens to Bye Bye Bye. LOL He loves watching them dance...he giggles and claps and does some movements with them. Mom saw him watching intently, and called mine and Dad's attention to the screen. Just as Lance was grabbing himself. I almost hit my head on the had to pick THAT time to watch? LOL Mom commented that that would be just what we needed...Josh picking up Lance's choreography. <.g> So yeah, I spent the entire day with nsync (in between listening to Peter and the Wolf and Kurth and brother has the same odd music tastes I do. I'm so proud!), and I can only hope Josh does not choose to watch this video again tomorrow. LOL

Oh, but mom was so cute, getting into it, too. She was helping Josh get ready for bed, and I was next door watching XF. All of a sudden, I heard, "That's Joey, that's Lance, that's JC, Justin and Chris. Can you point to Joey? Can you point to Lance? How about JC? Justin? Chris?" Cracked me up. <.g> She also loves watching Joey dance, "because he gets so into it." I'm so evil, dragging everyone to the Dark Side. LOL

Ugh! I'm on mom's iMac, and the keyboard is driving me's flat and I'm used to having it on an angle. So sorry for any typos!

So, when did Matt Damon get married? He was in town this weekend for the premiere of that Project Greenlight movie, and apparently he walked down the red carpet with his fly open. <.g> The reporter said he didn't answer her question, but she will never forget the sly look on his face as he zipped up and said, "The one day I didn't wear underwear." LOL! I think I would always remember that moment, too. <.giggle> So funny.

I watched XF tonight, for the first time in a long time. It was a good episode...I do love John and Monica. And I think they love each other, although john is still obviously hung up on Walter. it was a solid ep, with Monica in a coma and it was kinda like near death experience. It was fantastic, but I kept picturing Mulder and Scully doing it. : ( Still, I think I will watch next time. Only 8 episodes before Mulder!

Okay, now let's go see if Yahoo is back up and I can read mail.

March 16, 2002

home again

I just watched City of Angels for the first time...great movie. Intense, and sad, but somehow still uplifting for it all. Even though mom ruined the ending. <.g> Heaven knows I don't mind spoilers or knowing endings, but I generally like to ask for them first. LOL Ah, well. It was a good movie.

Today, we took Josh swimming. When we were getting out of the car, he found a cassette I had left in there to listen to...the mix one Krissy made me several years ago. One side is Kurth and Taylor's Nashville album, and Josh is in love. LOL I've been hearing Wally sing all afternoon. <.giggle> My boy's got taste! He's never listened to country before, so this is a good way to start him. I also let him borrow my copy of nsync's Making the TOur, and while he hasn't watched it yet, he's been carrying it with him all night. He's such the cutie pie!

I swear there was other things I meant to say, but I'm totally blanking. <.g> I was falling asleep during CoA, and now that I have on Model Behavior on Disney, I'm not feeling much awaker. LOL Certainly not the most brilliant of movies, but there's nothing else on. I already saw this Trading Spaces, and Hildy scares me. LOL

Time to see if I can make s-d's webmail work. LOL

March 07, 2002

bye bye bye (sorry)

Great. Aletia FINALLY fixed their server problem just as I'm getting ready to head out the door for home! My family and I are going to the Wisconsin Dells this weekend for the annual Rubinstein-Taybi Syndrome family reunion. (My brother has RTS.) It should prove to be a great deal of fun, even with the projected blizzard there. <.g>

Man, I'm gonna miss my Rat Sushi fix this weekend. <.g> I've grown so accustomed to pretty boy pictures every day. LOL Ah, well. Alicia, have a blast at the concert, and I can't wait to hear details!

Have a lovely weekend, my dears, and I shall see you on Sunday night. : )

February 23, 2002

power of prayers

I will never again doubt the power of prayer. So many times it has come through for my grandfather, and tonight is no different. The tube unclogged, finally. He was crying again, he was so happy. He told me he couldn't have done this without me, and that he was so close to giving up for good when I came through with this last one, and that we're a damn good team. I have to agree with that last one. : )

So we're not sure what did it, if it was one solution I gave him, or the cranberry one, or everything mixed together, or just all the prayers, but it worked. And that's what counts. God, it was so scary there for awhile. Mom was on the phone with Grammy, and he was screaming and crying in the background and was hysterical, and at one point, the screams got worse, Grammy asked, "What are you doing, honey?" and the phone went dead. It quite seriously was almost the end for him....he would rather die than get medical help. But he did it...he pulled through. And I couldn't be happier.

But I should probably go now, as I'm in Kate's room on her computer as we watch Pretty Woman. Well, I'm watching. I think she might be asleep. <.g> But I'm also writing, so there. : )


My grandfather's j-tube clogged today...he hasn't had food or water all day. I've searched and searched for remedies to unclog it, but nothing has worked so far. He's dehydrated, crying and screaming in pain, and refuses to go to the hospital. He doesn't want to die there. All we can do is pray that the tube unclogs soon, with this new warmed cranberry juice solution I found. Please pray for him, that the tube unclogs. There's nothing else we can do, and I don't want this to be the end.


I'm so excited! Remember how we were so sad that my grandfather couldn't find any recurrent eso. cancer survivors, and we couldn't find any treatments? We found a survivor and a new treatment! The last 15 months, I've always run across Cathy's Cancer Cafe in my searches for new resources, but didn't find anything there that helped. But this time, I found a list for people who have EC, and the founder just passed his five year cancer-free mark after recurrent EC, and he's going to call Po tomorrow night! And then the link to the smart bomb treatment that we had been looking for on Thursday was sent down the list! <.g> What a great resource this list is! Very exciting. : )

February 21, 2002


Okay, I had kinda hoped to do some studying before my exam. Doesn't seem like that will happen. <.g> Minute I came back, mom IMed grandfather called the Cancer Institute because he wanted to talk to other people who have survived or are living through recurrent eso. cancer. There aren't any. He's understandably upset. So I did some searching and found a listserv for people with eso cancer, which mom subbed to. Then I did research on clinical trials for stage 4, for which there doesn't seem to be much. After stage 3, they seem to just want to make you comfortable. Not uplifting stuff. This whole thing makes me so sad. : ( Mom sent me a picture of Grammy and Po with Josh from last week, through AOL's You've Got pictures. I'll try and upload it later today...he looks so sick, but still happy. Josh does that to you. <.g>

February 17, 2002

lovely day

I had a great time with my family! I woke up early, around 8, and cleaned up my room and stuff because I was getting claustrophobic. LOL Then I had time to finish most of my 376 notes before they got here around noon, and watched Xena...It was the ep with Lucy as Diana and Xena. I loved it! So yeah, they came at 12, we went shopping, then we dropped the food off here and headed out to lunch. Josh picked Chili's. LOL Then we went back to their hotel to check in and go swimming. I got 2 of the 3 readings done for 376, and played with Josh and talked with mom, while daddy was reading John Grisham's Skipping Christmas. It was fun. Josh was SOOO cute. He's starting to sing along to Bye Bye Bye now. <.giggle> I love that song, but he kept playing it over and over and over. So now I'm at least temporarily sick of it. <.g> I kept stealing his tape player and ffing to It's Gonna Be Me, or flipping the tape over to get some older songs. He seemed to like I Want You Back. LOL Oh, but another cute thing....he got these little Sonny and Cher gorillas for Valentine's Day, and they sing I Got You Babe, and Josh sings with them!!! LOL He kinda grunts "Ahhhh" everytime they say "I." <.giggle> I love my little guy. What a cutie! I love spending time with him.

So I've done quite a bit of studying this weekend. I did all of my 385 study guide and notes. I did 95% of my 376 notes (gonna finish tonight) and 95% of my 376 readings, and that just leaves reviewing the book. God, I hope I do well. I've never put this much effort into a class before. I've never *had to put this much effort into a class before. I honestly don't know what else I could be doing to help myself and study. I go to every class, I take pretty detailed notes, I learn my notes, I do supplemental readings, I read the text book...I do everything except talk to my teacher. Which I learned from my advisor doesn't help anyway. <.g> So, I hope this is enough.

Now to read the Sun-Times that my daddy bought me, and start studying. Again. 'Cause my mommy and daddy will most likely be calling me early in the morning. LOL But hey, the plan seems to be driving me to class in the afternoon, and I'm always all for such a thing. <.g>

Oh! Going back to not neglect daddy in the first paragraph reminded me of something. <.g> My parents are starting to think of my 21st birthday. They had forgotten that I desperately want a new monitor. LOL But their suggestion was them and the McFs paying for a 5-6 day trip to wherever Erin and I want to go this summer...NYC, Florida, London, PEI, etc. (What reminded me was Daddy reading the book and asking if maybe we'd like a cruise. I reminded him of my motion sickness, and we knocked that suggestion out. <.g>) We'd go in August, so both of us were 21 (her birthday is July 31), and I think it'd be a lot of fun. I can't imagine a better person to have a birthday trip with than my best friend. But like I said, I also really want a new monitor. <.g> So I have to decide which I would prefer. I mean, I could wait on a monitor until Christmas, really, and not go too insane. LOL So it's something fun to consider!

February 11, 2002

God damn it

My grandfather is home. They couldn't do the needle knife surgery. It's not just scar tissue. There's another tumor, a big one, in his esophagus. They did a biopsy today, results will come in a few days. I am...I don't know what I am. Disappointed, for him. He doesn't get to eat. Pissed as all hell, because there's another tumor. Sad, because they keep finding more cancer. I think I'm going to be sick.


My daddy sent me a Valentine's Day package! I got the cutest teddy bear, new lip gloss, an emerald colored angel, two nsync magazines, and paczki!! Okay, so Paczki day is tomorrow, Fat Tuesday, but I don't care! I'm so excited. I was so sad last year when I wasn't home to eat paczki, and so daddy mailed me some. <.giggle>

For those not in the know...a paczki is like a Bismark donut, with filling in the middle. And Paczki Day, Fat Tuesday, is the last day to eat sweets before Lent, until Easter candy. And you pronounce it "punch-key," no matter what you think from the spelling. <.g>

Off to finish eating my lemon paczki and just beam with delight. Damn it, don't see studying occuring this morning. <.g>

January 31, 2002

for me

Just for me, so I don't lose this.

Dr. Rama Venu - practices at University of IL and West Suburban Hospitals
Dr. Eli Ehrenpreis - works at U of C

January 23, 2002

My cutie

Josh is just the cutest! His SLP has him playing barrier games...that's when you put up a barrier between two people, who each have matching objects (a spoon each, 2 forks each, etc). One person arranges the objects and describes how it looks (The spoon is on top of the fork), and then the other has to set it up exactly the same, then you see if they match. Well, Josh HATES this game. So his new sentence is "I'm done playing this stupid game." LOL!! He's such a character. <.giggle>

It's so weird to have the place to myself most of the time! Kate and Aarti mostly have classes straight through all day this semester, and Sarah is teaching. Everything is so quiet now. Well, it was until I put on my Dawson's Creek soundtrack, anyway. LOL

I'm trying to think if there's anything I need to get done before class today. I did all my reading, I reviewed all my notes. Nothing much there. I'd call about the status of Kate's Christmas present, but it's lunchtime on the East Coast. Hmmm. Maybe I'll work more on my story! That will be fun. <.g>